Sunday, 20 December 2015

'For Always (Christmastime)'

I thought I'd share the 2nd Christmas lyric I ever wrote. I fear showing you the first one as it's very childish but there may come a day!

I have had an interesting week.

Starred in the Disability Initiative pantomime, made truffles and sang carols to raise money for the Disability Initiative!

That's kept me out of mischief!

I have been a lot busier than in Christmas's past and that is not a bad thing! It's sure been different to Christmas's past and I'm so thankful it has been.

What did I used to do?

Probably curl up with a book.

I'm still doing that but being busier has been such a good thing this Christmas.

& I am recording a Christmas show on Direction Radio on the 23rd which I am excited about!

For Always (Christmastime)

It's nice
In the silence
When there's no one here
And all I can hear is your heart beating neae
I can rest
I can do what I think's best
But what can I do
When all I want is you

Christmas light's fade
But the love it brings will never go away
It's here to stay
For always
Say you'll be my baby boy
And I will leap for joy
And I will reach it this time
Cos I'll have you on my mind
For always

There's still a part of me
That wishes, oh wishes you could be
Sitting underneath my Christmas tree
I know however this will never happen
But I can still sit on Santa's lap hopin'
(Repeat Chorus)
Christmas lights, they fade
Love will love will love will never go away
Here to stay it's here to stay
For always
Be my baby boy
I'll leap for joy
Reach it this time
Cos I'll have you on my mind
For always
It's Christmas
So appear under my tree
Be my baby boy
For always
Be my baby boy
For Christmas.

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

Hope you liked it!! Let me know if you have any comments. If you want to put music to it please email me on 

See what I mean? Christmas lights were obviously all I saw back in the day!



Sunday, 13 December 2015

'The Lie'

Beam your light through this darkness
Your love shelters me like a blanket
It covers us both and keeps us safe
I never ever thought you'd want to throw it away
This is until you say

I don't think my love can pour
Out devotion like before
I've come as far as I can go
On this ride called the lie
I can't love you anymore
Cos I don't feel the same as before
I've come as far as I can go
Down this road called the lie

Now I'm waiting all alone in the dark
Without your love to shield my heart
Without you this world seems so cold
And there's no one around to show me home
It's all from those words you let show
(Repeat Chorus)
I thought we still had a shot
Whether going for it was worth fighting for or not
I don't know and I guess I never will
Cos you paused your breath and stood still
And then you said
(Repeat Chorus).

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved. 

Sunday, 6 December 2015

'Only You'

My hopes and dreams are on knife edge
She walks in the room and you forget
That I am even here
No point in crying tears
You won't even notice
She don't even care
Looks right through you like you're not even there
I try contrentrating on my work
But the pain is searing and starting to hurt
You don't even notice

This is tearing me apart
These feelings that I have in my heart
For you ooh yeah only you
This is tearing me down
Shredding me to the ground
I know I shouldn't but I do
Have feelings for you only you

My fears and nightmares are coming true
Cos staring at her is all you seem able to do
Look at me remember who I am?
The one who really cares about you shake my hand
You've played a good game
Can't believe you're gonna throw this away
But I guess it's your choice
You don't choose the sound of my voice
You'd rather chase after something
You're never gonna win
(Repeat Chorus)
And if you could see me
In the way I want you to
They'd be no crying baby
No tears on my pillow tonight
But you're tearing me apart
These feelings that I have in my heart
For you I know you wouldn't like me to
You're tearing me down
Shredding me right to the ground
I know oh I know I shouldn't but I do
Have feelings for you
Only you

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*I love the first line of this lyric! This lyric was written while I was at school, a time of many unrequited crushes and I always pictured this lyric in a classroom. As ever, if you would like to have a go at putting music to it please message me on !! Thank you...



Sunday, 29 November 2015


I wanna be dignified
Just let you pass on by
I'm not gonna place the blame
At your name
You played your part
You did fully deserve my heart
I wanna be dignified tonight

I know that some things fall apart
So that better things can start
Now I can't wait for what's heading my way
If it's true what they say
It's gotta be good
To beat you
(Repeat Chorus)
What we had we can't replace
And I'm grateful for every smile on your face
But the time has come to move on
I hope you respect me enough to move along
Now we must part ways
I'll be missing you every day but
(Repeat Chorus)
I'm not gonna pretend like it meant nothing
Cos you know it meant a great deal
And I know I'm not gonna get back
The way you make me feel
But the sun is rising on a new day
And we can't go on loving this way
So dignified I'll be dignified
Hide those tears in my eyes
I don't wanna place the blame
At your name no-o
Cos you played your part like a star.

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*You know how it is. When you just want to be 'normal' with someone again and stop seeing them as everything you never had but want. I wrote this lyric at university a few years before I got into the routine of having relationships. This was written about someone who was a passing fancy. I'd fallen deep for him. But this was the first step to getting over him. 



Sunday, 22 November 2015

'Can't Have Me'

There was a time when I wanted your eyes on me
When I wanted you to see
What we could have been
But now that time has gone
Now it's time to sing a news song

So stop saying you miss me
You can't go on if we can't be
Please just make peace
With the fact that you no longer have me
Stop saying you love me
You're just opening up scars on repeat
Please let it be
That you can't have me

You blew your shot
Now I can't help you if you're not satisfied with what you've got
My love for you has reached its final stop
That time we shared is dead and gone
Can't rewind and sing the same old song
(Repeat Chorus).

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved




Sunday, 8 November 2015

'Beginning To Get Over You'


We had a chance to be
But you missed your opportunity
To talk to me
We had everything running smoothly
But you had to be dumb
And now I’m starting to move on

Did you think I wouldn’t be able to
Live my life without you
Did you really think
You were my missing link
Well you missed your cue
So now I’m beginning to get over you

We had a chance to be
But it’s past tense now it’s history
You must have never really cared about me
We had everything on a plate
But you forgot to make your move
So now I bid farewell to you
(Repeat Chorus)
You see I am beginning to get over you
Cos you, you missed your cue
You were meant to be the hero coming to save me
But I guess you were a zero not a hero baby
And now I say goodbye
To you, you’re just like any other guy
Cos you missed your cue
So now I am beginning to get over you
You did you think I wouldn’t be able to?
Live without you
You did you really think?
You were my missing link
Well now I find it easy to do
Just get over you
Hey hmmm.

Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*As ever if you'd like to have a go at putting music to this, please let me know! You can contact me on: and please do because I don't check my gmail account!

I wrote this about someone who I thought I was irrefutably in love with when I was at uni but we were worlds apart. This lyric helped me realise that!



Sunday, 1 November 2015

'Keep On Pretending'

People make mistakes
Mine was letting you break
Into my heart to take
Everything away hey
Cos now I’m left
With nothing but a sharp cleft
Tearing me slowly
From the place I used to be

I thought I had you
Cos in my head you loved me too
But that was just a fairytale
That’s never gonna get a happy ending
I’d rather you told me didn’t keep on pretending
Like we had was something real
But it was all in my head cos you couldn’t feel

People are happy
If they make their minds up to be
So I’m gonna keep smiling
Even though the flower is dying
Cos now I see
The time wasn’t right for you and me
At least I know
And you know you took a piece of my soul
(Repeat Chorus)
So don’t worry
Every masterpiece has begun with a single word
No don’t worry
I just thought I’d bring some light to your world
But no it is not to be
I can stop wasting my time on dreams yeah.

Copyright © 2013 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*I wrote  this in 2013 but it's funny how certain things have a way of repeating themselves! I hope you like it. 



Saturday, 31 October 2015

Halloween Update!

Update - The radio show is going out fortnightly on at 11am on Wednesdays! I am really excited for you to hear it! If you missed the first one it is available here:

  I have been so busy lately and unfortunately I am having a writer's blip which means I can't write as much as I would like to of late. I have also been a bit emotional which hasn't helped with my state of mind. But as ever, I am sure that after I've had a bit of downtime, I will come back stronger!      

 I hope you have a great Halloween anyway! I will be staying in tonight, I dressed up yesterday when I went out but wasn't very scary! The best moment of yesterday happened when I put a plastic spider in someone's cup of tea! We do have some fun times!



Sunday, 25 October 2015

'A Little Bit Deeper'


He’s lying in bed alone

Staring at the ceiling

She had no right to let him know

Just how she was feeling

She doesn’t know what goes on in his life

Asking does he think of her at night?


She can pretend

Act like a friend

She plays the part

Like she hasn’t stolen his heart

But every day he sees her

His feelings grow a little bit deeper


He tries to call her phone

But he has low battery

So he sits all alone

Trying to make sense of something crazy

She doesn’t know what she does to him

Just being in her presence gives him wings

(Repeat Chorus)


She can act

Just like that

It might be crazy

But it’s a fact

That she loves you too

She’s just good at hiding the truth

(Repeat Chorus).
Copyright © 2013 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.
I hope you like this! As ever, if you'd  like to put music to it you can message me on facebook thank you!




Sunday, 18 October 2015

'Keep Chasing'

For all I know I cannot say
What will make the rain go away
In your strenuous life
I hardly know in mine
Just have to keep going
Stay strong and growing
Love the right ones with true affection
No one in the world is true perfection

Reach for the moon reach for the stars
If they’re not already where you are
Keep chasing your dream no matter how far
Where you need to be is right where you are

Keep hoping holding onto inspiration
You can never know a person’s limitation
What are the torrents of pain?
All I know is we do not feel the same
You can never know how life’s effects
Can ruin someone’s hopeful prospects
Love the right ones for who they are
You’ll always be with them a shooting star
(Repeat Chorus)
 try to change the story now
It’s already down
And don’t you try to be someone else
You’ll realise it’s much better to be yourself
(Repeat Chorus)

Copyright © 2015 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*Hope you like it!



Sunday, 11 October 2015

'Gotta Keep Believing'

Gotta keep believing
Waiting here has its meaning
Remember forever
Life gets better
Just because it isn’t now
Doesn’t mean your heart’s broken down
No on the ride of life we may need repairs
But you’ll find someone along the way who always cares

Keep going even though you wanna give up
You never know what could happen
In the next five seconds
Keep going you never know what’s in store
It could be all that you’ve waited for
(Repeat Chorus)
Keep going when all you wanna do is quit
This ride ain’t fun no more I’m through
No one can be more you than you
Keep going cos what a great loss
That would be to the world
Can’t replace you girl
(Repeat Chorus)
And you wanna go
Give up
There ain’t no luck
In this town
Just make them wonder how you’re still smiling
How do you have the strength to go on?

Copyright © 2015 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*I hope you feel inspired by this lyric to keep going. As ever, if you'd like to have a go at putting music to this please leave a comment or message me via facebook (



Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 53

From Ellie's pov

I recognise him. I am being shown photos of when he came for christmas - none of which I remember. But I do recognise those sweet diamond blue eyes. He was here earlier and has just stepped out to go and get a sandwich. He said he'll bring one back for my mum when he returns. I have no doubt he will. That's because he left his sachel here. Who knows what he has in there?

Jamie's pov

I think we're making progress! It will be slow but I'm fine to wait. She's worth waiting for. Linda told me the recognition of who I am is coming slowly but all that matters is that is coming. She thanked me for staying. 'Where would I go?' I replied. I am here for her because I know how good we had it. And when she recovers I will not miss my chance. Next time it really might be too late.



Sunday, 27 September 2015

''Every Word'

I’m here and you’re over there
Would it be all right to tell you I care?
I don’t know if you care for me
Let’s get this off my chest and wait and see
You’re pulling me to the ground with every smile
You don’t notice a thing all the while
I’ve gotta say something before this gets out of hand
Before I fall into you without a plan

I’ve got a strong heart
It’d take days to invade
But you play your part
Capture it and take it away
With every word you say

I’m getting closer to you now
And I’m petrified don’t know what to say now
Cos I’m falling deeper by the second
But your audience awaits you can’t disappoint them
You’re electric lighting up this place
You operate like this is your stage
I guess I’m the fool who’s fallen for the showman
Before the drinks are sold tell me your plans
(Repeat Chorus)
Say, say . . .
I thought I was so strong
That I could carry on
Without love playing it’s part
On my heart
But oh I was wrong
I’m not that strong
I thought it’d take days to invade
But looking at you with that smile on your face
I just fall
It doesn’t make sense at all
With every word you say
I’m blown away.

Copyright © 2015 Stephanie Carfrae. All Rights Reserved.

*I haven't done this for a while! I hope you like it and as ever you are very welcome to try putting music to it. If you do; I only ask you send your recording to me. Thanks. Now I'm doing this again, it means I have to carve some time out of my now very busy schedule to do something which I enjoy so that is awesome so thanks for that! 



Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Being In Newspapers

I haven't done a 'proper blog' in soooo long! Sorry about that!

The world went a bit crazy when it heard about me walking at my sister's wedding! It was just a small story but then 'The Mirror' picked it up and the rest is madness!

We only put my walking on youtube to show my physios who helped me!

When I say world I mean Australia, Nigeria and Portugal to mention just a few.

It's just been crazy - that's the word that best describes how it has been doing phone interviews and whatnot.

I am so busy these days it's quite ridiculous!

I am in demand!

I had an chat with the main man at Direction Radio in Surrey on Monday where I intend to be their first chat show host!

I am very excited by this prospect! Don't worry, I will tell everyone when it airs so you can tune in!

Rushed off my feet (not that I walk - so rushed off my wheels!)

I will be returning to posting my lyrics on Sunday so I hope you will enjoy them!



Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 52

From Ellie's pov

According to Lance, Jamie didn't know him before I mentioned him. It came out in the big heart to heart before my memory reawakened. It isn't all there but hopefully people with me can help me fill in the blanks as we go along.
Jamie came into my room in the morning. 'Why did you lie to me?' I said as casually as my temper would let me. 'What do you mean?' he said softly.
'You didn't know Lance,' I said simply.
He hesitated. 'I did that so I could see you everyday. If I was totally unrelated to your relationship you wouldn't have let me in. And we are. Now.'

From Jamie's pov

Lance has become a great ally. A great friend. He'll bring the whole family next time and I'll put them up. 'You lied to me. My memory is still in dis-repair and now I don't know if I can trust you, so please get out.'

Ellie's response haunted me for the rest of the day.

I did as she wanted. Guess I had that one coming. I wasn't sure of what I'd do when she found out. Obviously I am thrilled that she has. But it's a bit ironic really. If her memory hadn't have recovered, we'd be stuck in square one. Now we're in square two moving rapidly towards three. I'd have to regain her trust anyway, so this little blunder means it might take longer, but it's so good for her to have her memory back. And that's what matters.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 51

From Jamie's pov

It was Lance's last day in London. He knew the route to hospital so was going to do touristy stuff and join us later. I met Linda in the hall just outside her room before we entered. She showed me a picture card she had made, a picture of the chequered kitchen floor - the only thing in the house that hadn't changed since she was sixteen apparently - it was worth a shot, I agreed.

From Ellie's pov

I noticed things. There are more wrinkles under Lance's eyes which doesn't fit with the picturesque him I remember. There's no doubt that time has passed. Lance and I have had a heart to heart where he told me everything, including about his wife across the pond, it was hard for me to hear but I had to. The doctors say that I'm coming on leaps and bounds so he wasn't out of line telling me what he did. Mum has entered my room! I feel safe. Behind her the strange boy who admitted his feelings for me, which is silly, came in too. My mum coughed and looked at the strange boy; he smiled and gave her the thumbs up and she stepped closer to my bed. She then lifted a card to her chest and turned it around. It was our kitchen floor at home. I had a sudden flashback. Of that strange boy in that kitchen. Well, my kitchen. Why the hell has he been in my kitchen?



Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 50

From Jamie's pov:

Lance was taller than Jamie. Jamie knew from pictures Ellie had drawn, she was talented. He had chocolate brown eyes which Jamie could see was easy to melt into. It was a great past time that Ellie found. She has a vivid memory of Lance; her mum brought her watercolours, pastels and art pencils from home when she realised that Ellie was drawing again. She had been talented at school, so she supposed it made sense in Ellie's 16 year old mind that she was still talented. And she was. The first indiction that she was still a good artist had been recieved when she'd drawn a portrait of Lance on an knapkin after eating dinner one night.

To be fair, it hadn't actually been that long since she had been 16. She still had her artistic flare. A lot had happened and a lot had changed but Linda guessed that Ellie had the gift of being an artist intrinsically. It was just part of her. But then Ellie could turn her hand to anything, and do a good job. But nothing gave her the enjoyment of drawing or painting. She was so into it - painting or shading the perfect picture of her lover - or so she thought - that she didn't notice when I kept sneaking outside to make a call to America. I had said I was Lance's best friend and I lived really close to the hospital so it made sense. Managed to convbince her of that, even though she hadn't seen Lance.

Lance was married now and had a daughter called Pippa. When Jamie explained about Ellie's condition - Lance really sat up to listen. He was a personal trainer to the rich and famous in Hollywood. His wife, Mandy was horrified to hear of the unfortunate state that Ellie was in. She kept telling her husband that he should talk to Ellie. Jamie prompted Lance to cross over the pond and see Ellie in person. Mandy agreed that he should and so the date was set for Lance's visit. Jamie went to the airport to pick Lance up.

His eyes really were as captivating as Ellie had drawn them. He had sculpted cheekbones and Jamie could see why his female clientelle hired him and why he was never out of a job. He had that cheeky chappy American drawl that so many women crave. He was so good looking which made Jamie doubt himself. If Ellie had had a rerlationship - and a good one by the sounds of it - with this guy Jamie stood no chance. It wasn't only that he was a beautiful man - but the fact that he'd flown across the world to help someonw out when they needed him.

Jamie had taken him back to his to get settled as Jamie was putting him up for two weeks while he saw Ellie and took in the tourist sights of London. Lance and Mandy had decided that Mandy shouldn't come because in Mandy's words: 'That'd only confuse the poor dear.' Given that Mandy had never met and so was inconsequencal to Ellie, Jamie agreed with their thoughtful decision.

The next day, Lance and Jamie went up to the hospital together. Instantly, Lance was on the backfoot when they got to Ellie's room. Jamie could tell Lance didn't want to go in alone, despite all the encouragement Jamie had been giving him. So Jamie went into the room with him. Linda was not there yet. Jamie high-fived himself. Linda didn't even know that Jamie had been speaking with Lance so this show-up would surprise her.

Ellie was lying face-up, cradling her pencils protectively. She'd obviously gone to sleep in the middle of drawing yet another picture of Lance in a heroic pose. The lines were so delicately drawn that Jamie almost felt the love embedded within them. 'Whoa...' Lance whispered fingering through all of the sketches of him that littered the windowsill.

The moment after he spoke Ellie's eyelids fluttered. 'Lance?' she whispered.

'Who else?' he answered cheekily with American charm.

'Wow. You're not usually here when I wake up,' Ellie said.

Lance looked at Jamie with knowing eyes. 'I know. I've been crazy busy! But I'm here now!'

Ellie poured herself some water and drank it with one gulp. 'Wow! I can't believe this!' Ellie announced. 'Do you like all the pictures?' she asked hopefully.

'Yes I love them. You've chosen my best side!'

'There isn't a bad side to you,' Ellie giggled.

Lance laughed. 'Thank you Ellie.'

'What happened to El?' Ellie asked confused. He always called her El when they were sixteen.

'A lot has changed in the last seven years,' Lance said awkwardly, looking at Jamie and Ellie in turn. 'Look closer at me,' Lance suggested. Ellie leaned closer to him. He looked older, more tired. 'You look different,' Ellie gasped. The changes didn't take away from the fact that he was still a very handsome man. 'But our prom is -'

'Was, sweet girl,' Lance interrupted.

'But how can so much time have gone?' she asked pleadingly looking around the room.

'You've lost your memory El,' Lance told her.



Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 49

Jamie and Jeff opened the door of their flat. They had been out to dinner together in an attempt to cheer Jamie up. It had worked to an extent but Jamie had still mentioned her name forlornly. At the time the disappointment was etched on Jeff's face. But he didn't bring up the issue in public, which Jamie was thankful for. Maybe Jeff was learning! As soon as the door closed it was interrogation time though.
'So you didn't fight for her?' Jeff sighed.

'She's lost her memory mate,' Jamie said solemnly.

'But she might remember you if you're there?' Jeff said dumbfoundedly.

'It's all mights, ifs, I'm sick of it,' Jamie admitted disjointedly.

'If you're not there when she does remember you, you'll only feel worse,' Jeff pointed out sensibly.

'Wish I was confident about her getting her memory back,' Jamie said.

'Well, at the moment we don't know the severity of her condition, and it's better to talk positively about her recovery while we're still unsure,' Jeff reasoned. Jamie guessed that was true. 'Anyway, why did you never tell her before?' Jeff asked.

'I was scared. I really could have used you here for moral support,' Jamie told Jeff.

'I'm sorry my life doesn't run according to Jamie's love life,' Jeff said sincerely. 'Would there have been something I could've said that you couldn't have counter-acted?' Jeff asked seriously. 'If you really wanted her, you would have told her,' Jeff told Jamie before Jamie could get a word in.

'Well, now it's too late,' Jamie told him disheartedly.

'No mate, it'd be easy to give up but that's why you have to keep going. Keep going to that hospital because maybe not today, not tomorrow but someday she will remember something. And if it is your face, don't you want to be there?'

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 48

Jamie's pov.

How can she not remember me? We've had some pretty memorable times together, or maybe that's just me.

That was my initial reaction.

After talking to Jeff after I got home that first night - bearing in mind I'd just confessed my feelings for her - to have them thrown back in my face I realised that she can't help it. She doesn't know who I am. Again. It's just starting the story anew. She doesn't know who I am. Yet. I'm still going to see her as much as possible as I have done in the past. I guess I'm hoping that by seeing her regularly, hopefully she'll begin to remember. I know it takes a long time but she's worth it. I try to keep an optimistic view. That's the only way to get through this.

I know she's going through a rough time, Linda called while I was at work. Apparently she thinks she's sixteen and with an ex-boyfriend called Lance. Apparently he used to buy her daffodils so when she saw the daffodils in her room she jumped to conclusions. I don't want to lie to her but Linda said it's probably best if I pretend to be a friend of Lance's. 'But how does that explain why he's not there?' I asked.

'You can tell her he's on an urgent call or something?' Linda said down the phone timidly.

'I'm not going to lie to her,' I said fiercely.

'So what are you going to do?' she asked.

'I don't know, I don't know,' I repeated again and again until I was hearing it in my dreams that night. I've seen 50 first dates (with an ex - not my choice) and while that's a movie and very different circumstances that's given me some good ideas.



Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 47

To Ellie's mind she was still 16. She was still with her American transfer boyfriend, Lance Tokson. She imagined that he was with her in hospital, she only woke up when he had nipped out for a coffee. He was always making coffee that boy. And because he didn't come back until she was asleep again she imagined that he was caught up chatting up a nurse. Even though he was young enough to be many of nurses son he truly was irresitible. He was so hot that Ellie imagined all the nurses that came to see her falling over themselves to talk to him. She laughed to herself. So why did she wake up with a stranger looking at her so worriedly? One of Lance's friends. Must be.

She had explained to the doctor that she had her dress for her school prom. It was a beautiful amethyst colour - a light shade of purple. She was shocked to see her face in the mirror that the doctor handed to her. She saw the shock of red hair, but it had been mousy when she was 16 and those wrinkles can't be hers. She liked to laugh a lot but there was less laughter lines than real wrinkles. 'Very funny,' she announced as soon as she saw it. She looked around herself to see whether it was possible for the mirror to be reflecting someone else. They were on their own in the room and the doctor was standing over by the windowsill. Her mum opened the door to her room at that moment. The doctor had a few quiet words with her that Ellie couldn't hear. The doctor passed her mum and said he'd check in on her tomorrow. Mum smiled at her when it was just the two of them in the room. She pulled the chair the doctor perched on over to the side of Ellie's bed. Linda moved some tendrils of red hair from Ellie's face. 'All right, sweetheart?' she asked.

'I don't understand,' Ellie managed before bursting into tears.
'What? What don't you understand?' Linda cooed.
'My reflection. He showed me. What's happened to me?'
'You've grown up. Into a gorgeous human being,' Linda said tentively.
'Where's Lance?' Ellie asked, almost viciously.
'Well...' Linda bites her tongue. How does he tell her?

'I could really use seeing him.'
'Well y'know Jamie is still here. Waiting outside the door,' Linda said awkwardly.
'Why's he there?' This made no sense to Ellie. Who was Jamie anyway?
'He cares about you. He told me you heard him?'
'Yeah I heard. But I don't know him,' Ellie spat. She was so mad at the situation. It didn't make sense. Any of it.

*Sorry it's so late! But I hope you like this part and it was worth waiting for.



Sunday, 28 June 2015

The Story Of Steph Part 3

The 2nd time I went to hospital I was in year 11. It was a pretty intense time during my GCSE's. I was in hospital for the first of my tendon releases - we were doing it 50% twice because my parents and I were scared of doing it all in one go. Tendon release is a surgical procedure that involves clipping part or all of a tendon in order to decrease tension in the muscle it controls. ( I was only in hospital for three days which is the quickest I've ever been having the operation and recovering. At the time, Carrie Hope Fletcher was really kind to me and sent me messages which I printed out and took to hospital with me. I read them every night before I went to sleep! The next day, my mum and sister were visiting me. 

My sister was bringing my phone with her, as it was in the days when phones weren't a vital part of our daily lives! I put my phone on and I had the sweetest text off my best friend at the time (who I'm still in contact with!) I turned on 'Hero' by Mariah Carey on my sisters' ipod which I was listening to. It would've tortured me if I couldn't have gone home after that! The lyrics of 'Hero' really hit home when you're in pain! My legs were still really painful but out of pure grit and determination I got to go home 2 days after going in for the operation. 



Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Things Aree Not Clear Cut Part 46

Jamie was still stood there when visiting time was at an end. Very kindly, one of the nurses gently reminded him he would have to leave. He could hardly compute, his brain frazzled by Ellie's non-remembrance. He moved slowly, shuffling almost his arms and legs like lead and his brain not functioning as usual. He stumbled a few times but eventually found his feet and left. Linda had come back and the nurses had checked Ellie over. The doctor would come around to check on her more thoroughly tomorrow. 

The world beyond her hospital window bewildered her. She looked around herself and deduced that she was in hospital by all the machines and whatnot, though she didn't know what for. She'd talk it over with the doctor tomorrow. Right now she just wanted to close her eyes...



Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 45

Ellie waited to speak to speak to Jamie when her mum had left the room on another endless phonecall to her sister.
               'You are very sweet. Thank you. You seem popular with my mum which is a great feat. But I'm sorry I...' she took a deep breath 'I just don't know who you are.' She bit on her lip so hard that  it started gushing out blood. She was shocked. Her body was responding to her! She was surprised that she still had enough blood in her lips to have it gush out. It was a definite sign that she was alive.
               Jamie just stood there. Helpless. He felt like he'd been stabbed straight through the heart at those words. How could it be? he wondered. Ellie took another deep breath. There was a gorgeous guy beside her hospital bed confessing his undying love for her yet she didn't have a clue who he was. 'I just need time,' she said to herself out loud. Jamie  looked like the mosst defeated warrior in the world right then.

*I'm so sorry this is a few weeks late! So much has been going on recently - I haven't had time to breathe - or it feels like that anyway! I'm not used to having so much on my plate!



Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 44

The door cracked open behind Jamie. Linda entered the room with fresh daffodils. She rushed to the side of the bed upon seeing Ellie's eyelids flickering, dropping the daffodils in the process. 'They told me it'd be sometime today!' Linda exclaimed watching her daughter wake into conciousness. 'There's no need to rush,' Linda cooed as Ellie opened and shut her eyes over and over again. Linda put the beaker of water within Ellie's grasp so that Ellie could reach it when the time came that she was strong enough to hold the tumbler of water. Jamie had knealt to pick up the dropped flowers and after Ellie's first glass of water she couldn't wait to ask anymore. 'Did you mean it?' she asked. He was dumbfounded for a moment.

'So, you heard that then?' he asked.

'Yes, of course. I was on the brink of waking up,' she told him refilling her beaker with water. Her mum had nipped out of the room to tell the doctors she was awake.

'Yes I did mean it, every word,' Jamie blushed.

'It's Ok,' Ellie cooed and reached for his hand.

The door opened behind Jamie and Dr Kay walked in followed by Linda. 'It's good to see you awake, Ellie!' she enthused while putting out fresh sheets on the chair beside Ellie's bed. 'I have a break in five minutes but after that I'll come back and put these fresh sheets on for you!' With that, Dr Kay left the room taking her dizzingly strong aroma of perfume with her. She must shower in whatever perfume she uses every morning.



Sunday, 31 May 2015

The Story Of Steph Part 2!

       Sometimes, knowing that I was having to contend with things that other people were, was kinda draining. It often made me want to bury my head in the sand, especially when I was a teenager. All these hormones would kick in but 'no one will ever go out with you because you're in a wheelchair.' The thing is I actually believed this, and I guess it became my mantra. An unconcious one but still. That's why it's so important what you tell yourself. I was now in and out of hospital like a yo-yo, having operations left right and centre. Quite literally! I was admitted to Kings College Hospital where I was under Mr Bassey who inserted an intrithenal pump in my stomach to provide my medication straight into my spine. It is a lot easier than taking the drug that I'm on orally as taking a pill orally means that some of it gets lost in transition. I was the guinea pig for this operation because about 4 years later, my brother also had the same operation.

    Now, at the time of this operation I was only 14, so I got transferred to Evelina Children's Hospital soon after my operation. And it was great there. I had been there previously for some tests and I was happy to be going back - if not in such a fit state! The consultant I had at the time was Mr Lin who was the best neurological doctor in the country. I felt very lucky to be under his care and guidance and he has turned up at our hospital appointments of recent years too! While I was recovering I had some great nurses who really helped me get through, and I wrote a lot of lyrics about being happy in your mind and that will help the body to recover. I actually wrote a lyric the night after I had had the operation! This was also the Christmas that I met Sharon Osbourne and Leona Lewis. There is a blog post just on this topic if you are interested: !!



Friday, 29 May 2015

Going To Disability Initative!

It's unusual to go to a place that feels more like home than your own! It really felt like that the day I started Disability Iniative!  It was awesome meeting everybody there before their morning sessions and embarking on my first session there. Everybody just encompassed me into their routine and it honestly felt like I'd been there forever! I was guided to my afternoon session by the lovely Darryl - which included a ride in a lift which I can do independently now.

I made so many lovely friends - including Charli, Sam and of course Darryl that I hope to still be close with in years to come - and it was great to go somewhere where everyone has the same main objective. To learn. I guess it is a little bit like a school, but not as regimented and the care workers are teaching us stuff that help us to enjoy life. And it is set to our pace. Everyone splits up to do different activities, we all come together at the start of the day, lunch and the end of the day. That is when we socalise which is great. Everyone there is so lovely, it's only when you get talking to these great people that you realise how much you have in common with them. It is so awesome for me to finally feel I fit in somewhere after so many years of crossroads!



Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 43

Jamie got to the hospital early. Today was the day. He knew it deep in his heart. He had to tell her his true feelings because there's no time better than now. And at least being uncoincious meant that she couldn't interrupt. He did not know what he'd do if she never arose from her coma. He'd be regretful for the rest of his life if she didn't wake up. He had heard somewhere that people in comas could hear things happening around them.

He went straight to her room after picking up a paper which he added to the top of the pile of dusty papers on the window sill. He noticed a blue tumbler on the table next to Ellie. He also heard a quiet song that was playing in the silence of Ellie's room. That made a nice change. He saw the small CD player which was where the music came from. He looked around. Linda wasn't meant to be there today. The scene was deserted. He knew what he had to say wouldn't take long. With a final glance around he took Ellie's hand and paused the music. Now or never.
'I should have done this months ago. Before you came here - before this happened.' He paused and took a deep breath. 'What's that quote you believe so wholeheartedly? 'Take every moment for what it is, you never know what opportunies lurk there?' He toyed with her fingers. 'Well, here goes,' he took another deep breath and closed his eyes.

'You've become someone very important to me. In my life I don't have many people who would have stuck with me if they didn't have to. You've had a clause to get away every day, but you never took it. Thank you for that. But I believe our friendship has run it's course now, I'm sure you could sense there was a problem between us. And I believe that the problem is that just friends won't do. Just friends won't cut it anymore when I want to be so much more.' He stopped abruptly, perhaps sensing her eyes flickering.

*The big reveal! Finally! Hope you liked it! Thank you for reading.



Sunday, 10 May 2015

The Story Of Steph Part 1

I was diagnosed at seven with spastic paraplesia - which was later proved the wrong diagnosis but they knew there was something not quite right with me! Years of physio, hydro and hospital appointments (waiting at St Peters for up to two hours at a time) with an impatient brother followed. Appointments with Orthotists for Afos also became a recurrance. Afo's were rigid splints which I did try to get on with many times throughout childhood but were too rigid. I remember having a pair of 'denim' splints - they were still rigid but they had the design of denim on them. I remember the different splints I had for at night - plastic nearly see-through ones. I had to have my legs in plasters for weeks at a time to stretch the tendons in my calves which once became so painful that my mum had to take me to Heatherwood Hospital in Ascot to have them cut off.

Once my walking was getting worse I tried loads of walkers but couldn't get on with any of them. I was much more content when I started using a wheelchair for longer distances. By secondary school time I was using an electric wheelchair - a purple spectra wheelchair which looks so small now!

Mum and Dad kept everything as 'normal' as possible for me and I owe them so much for that because I never felt like an outsider in anything, during my junior days. I did gymnastics (winning gold medals as I was so bendy - I am double jointed!!) and lots of swimming lessons. I went to brownies and went away with them. I didn't do anything different from the others and I'm so grateful that I was treated the same as everyone else because it gave me a great outlook on life.

I know now that Mum and Dad were dealing with my brother and I, and they had no idea what was wrong with us at the time.



Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 42

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 42
It was a month later and Ellie was still in her coma. Linda had been going up most days to check on her daughter and Jamie had had to work. He filled in for Ellie as much as he could but it is a little tiring going all the way across London to come back again. His workload had slowed down considerably after Ellie's accident and he thanked Max for that.
Today Jamie is going to go to the hospital. He's not sure whether to tell Ellie his secrets of how he feels towards her with her mother there or wait until they are alone, but nevertheless, he is going today. Maybe he should go on a day when Linda isn't there, but it'd be nice to touch base with Linda again.
Jamie got on the bus to take him to the hospital and bought a bunch of daffodils when he got there. He walked calmly into her white hospital room and instantly the room was brightened as he put the daffodils in the vase that Linda had left there. Linda had just nipped out of the room. Jamie reached out and took Ellie's hand, it felt so cold. He willed some blood to fill those arteries and felt ashamed for all he had left unsaid. Nothing happened.
Then the door swung open and Jamie let go of Ellie's hand. It was Linda of course and she was delighted to see him. 'I did wonder when you'd come again!' she enthused. She got up from the chair that was in residence by the other side of the bed and hugged Jamie. 'I just don't know what to do,' she told him briefly before going back to her chair. He saw  many magazine and newspaper piled up on the window ledge. Linda caught him looking. 'Papers since the day she got brought in, and magazines that I know she likes.' The untouched newspapers and magazines were gathering a fine layer of dust. 'She wouldn't like to miss out on what's been going on while she's - ' Linda stopped abruptly to wipe tears from her eyes. 'While she's been away,' she finished. 'It's always the same, anytime she goes on holiday or wherever,' Linda said with a smile. 'This is just like one of those, she just needed a little break from her body for a while,' Linda maintained her smile and Jamie smiled back at her. He knew she needed strength right now and if stories like that were getting her through he was all for it. He checked in his pocket if he had enough to get today's paper. 'Have you got today's?' he asked, knowing she hadn't but just in case she might whip it out of somewhere. 'No I haven't yet, it's normally the thing I do before I leave,' Linda said.
'I'll get this one, and we should talk over dates, when there are some you can't do I might be able to,' Jamie said caringly. With that, he shot out of the door, went to the gift shop where he bought a paper and scooted right back to her room.

*I hope you're liking the story so far! The next part will be up in 2 weeks. Thank you for reading!



Sunday, 3 May 2015

How To: Know It's Not Just You

It's not easy, life. You can get so caught up in a moment, in your head. And it is a great place to be; in your imagination before it becomes dark and demoralises you. The why's end to get messed up in our heads.

These thoughts are self-destructive and not easy to get rid of. You need to convince your mind to stay on the positive side.

See things for what they are but don't look down on them.

Just accept them.

You can't always be thinking how could I make this situation better/easier?

But it is good to have your mind jump to that particular question rather than so many others.

I spent years believing something wasn't happening for me because I didn't deserve it.

But I have learnt that I am worthy of feeling good and it isn't a crime that I should.

A lot of people still have issue with this. They think they're on a pedestal and try to avoid making mistakes but trying not to make mistakes is like trying not to close your eyes when you sneeze.

Mistakes are an occurance to all of us and it is the attention that you give them that make it a big deal or not.

Everybody goes through life, and everybody finds it hard.

At different times and for different reasons, granted but we are all only human and we need to realise that.

Society is not helpful in this way.

We all have flaws and we al make mistakes. Simple as.

Some are bigger than others,

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Freedom From A Zip-Wire!!

I went on a zip-wire on Friday. It was just in a local park. But it's amazing the sense of freedom I got from it being out of the confines of my wheelchair. It wasn't a planned expedition and was rather a spontaneous moment. My friend thought he'd have a go and I'm not one to pass up on an adventure so I got up there and did it. It was a life-changing moment for me. It might not seem very big or anything but it was just what I needed. It really has made me feel like anything's possible.
It was incredible how wrapping my legs around the seat and feeling the wind on my hips felt. It really was a phenomenal feeling for me! I realise now how comfortable I  am in my wheelchair and I want to change that.

One of my life goals is to do a skydive. I think it would be awesome fun as well as entirely wheelchair-less!

I know there's a big difference between doing a zip-wire from not very high off the ground but it was still a very trusting exercise for me and I loved it! I just think skydiving would be a spectacular experience for me.

I had to really put trust in myself for what felt like the first time in a long time and that felt fantastic. I had to hold myself up and the fact that I felt confident to let go - or let my friend let go of the wire after a 5 minute deliberation making sure I was Ok - felt so freeing.

I'm hoping that when I get further into the world I can have more life-changing experiences.



Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 41

Told from Jamie's p.o.v

'She's gone into a coma...' those words just scared me more than anything. Her mother was whispering down the phone to me, hardly believing it herself. You know that moment when the whole world stops? Well, it did for me just then with her mum uttering the words of fear.
This was like a nightmare I'd had come to life. I was in Max's office when I took the call. I'd taken it expecting it to be a sale call; I didn't even look at the name. The 'Oh God, I'm so glad I've gotten hold of you,' came as a surprise and I dechifered that it was Linda. I don't know what I did to get out of the office but suddenly I was slapped sharp in the face as the wind drove gustily Northwards. She was at St George's.

I got on a bus headed for nearby and sat down to collect my thoughts. How could this happen? Ellie was so careful. She knew her limitations, and her strengths which she put all her strength behind. My mind drifted as I realised, I'd never get the chance to tell her how I feel now, it was too late. If you want to tell someone something, don't wait. You don't know what could be happening in their lives and tomorrow is a concept that is never promised. Don't put off something that you could do right now for fear of being wrong. It's really not worth the risk.

The bus moved swiftly, was crammed and I had to share my seat with a young girl of about 17 who had dyed her hair red and was devoted to her phone but looked up every few minutes to give me a little nervous smile. Within half an hour I was outside the hospital. Wow, he hadn't been to a hospital since his Aunt Louise passed away last Summer. I took a deep breath. I pushed the doors open and having previously asked Linda where she was I pressed number 6 in the lift when it came. I got out of it when it stopped and walked along the corridor until I came to her room. 658. I looked through the perspex just to make sure it was the right room. I saw a flash of red hair and imagined it sprawled out on the tarmac, as it must have been. It was too ghastly to imagin e that for longer than three seconds so I switched my thoughts to the last outing I had had with her. I wish I'd just said it. It's too easy to make all my memories of the time we spent together regretful. All of these thoughts raced through my mind as I pushed the door open. 'Oh, thank God,' Linda murmered rushing over and encapsulating me in a hug.

*Obviously, as Ellie is in a Coma, the next part cannot be told from her p.o.v so it will still be Jamie's p.o.v the week after next! I hope you are enjoying reading it. Be sure to leave me a comment and/or share it on if you are! I have decided to post parts of this story every other week rather than weekly to build up anticipation. I hope I have not let anyone down on that front!  Thank you for reading!*



Sunday, 19 April 2015

How To: Keep Going When Nothing's Happening

When nothing is happening in your life it's very frustrating. I know. I've been there. Do something your future self will be grateful for.

This is YOUR life.

You're the one who has to be proud when you look back on it.

Go out, have adventures, have fun.

Get started on reading that book, or writing one.

It honestly doesn't have to be much.

But it has to be enough to feel like you've done something.

Whether it's getting another chapter read in your book or hanging out with your friend(s) these are important features in your life that matter to you right now.

And they are important things for the future too.

When you finish reading the book you could go on to write a best seller of your own or that friend your hanging out with might someday become more.

Who knows what the future holds?

People may think what you are doing is bizzare but people are going to think what they think and believe what they believe.

It shouldn't affect you.

One day all the crowds that followed like lost sheep are going to realise this and stop following.

Don't be a sheep, you weren't made to follow the pack.

You were made to be individual and there is nothing wrong with that.



Sunday, 12 April 2015

How To: Stop Blaming Yourself

We're all human. Only human. Sometimes things go wrong or don't turn out how we expected them to. That is life. You may have made a mistake but any mistake you have made is minor in the scheme of things. You learn life on the job. When something major occurs, it is totally out of our control, it is in the universe's hands and so we shouldn't blame ourselves that is just nonsensical.

When I was younger I thought I could've prevented the death of someone close to me. It's only now I realise I could not have even if I'd been on my best behaviour or anything. Things that happen in our lives have agendas and sometimes the best way to learn a lesson is to go through a situation and reep the consequences.

Sometimes life can be thorny and there's no easy way around it, you've just got to get through, sometimes stumbling and being pricked. (Mental image - the garden of thorns Maleficent introduces for the Prince to break through in Disney's Sleeping Beauty.

It's always better to have positive expections than negative ones because negativity steals possibility from the moment.

Hope this helps!



Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 40

'I'll be there,' Ellie said down the phone. She put down the phone and looked at her watch. Two minutes before lunchtime. She was meeting Chrissie at somde posh London hotel. Plush is the name of the hotel. It was where Tall liked to go with her clients sometimes, not today thankfully. How embarassing would that be? Ellie was looking forward to it, it hadn't been since Christmas they'd sat down and talked. They usually catch up every three - four months and thanks to Chrissie's well-paid job they try out swanky new resturants almost every time. Ellie had never been to the hotel - on Hexagon road - before. She pressed the button for the lift and it opened instantly. A little shocked but pleased to find it empty Ellie hit the ground button which she arrived at moments later. It must be her lucky day!

She got a black cab to Hexagon road which wasn't too far from her work - she just didn't  want to be breathless when she got there. But she'd wheel back. It wasn't far. Her hour for lunch would be more than enough time to eat, have a chat with her sister, and get back in time.
She got out of the taxi and paid the fare. She went into the lobby of the hotel. She could see Chrissie hanging around outside the glass entrance of the resturant. The girls shrieked a little on meeting a few moments later. They were greeted by a handsome male waiter who could have been a double of Brad Pitt, who dazzled them with his smile and had an American accent. 'Hi, welcome to Plush today, table for two?' He looked at Chrissie.

'Uh-huh' she mumbled turning a good shade of strawberry.

'Follow me,' he replied, turning and walking through the fairly busy resturant. He turned at a table and said, 'I wonder if this would be to your liking?' he asked. Chrissie merely nodded in response and sat down.

'Brad Pitt lookalike hey!?' Ellie said quietly.
'I know right! Must be working here while hunting jobs.' Chrissie detected. Chrissie enjoyed making up stories of strangers. Well, the ones she interacted with anyway. How they got to that point in their lives and where they were headed.
'Mustn't be hard to find work for him!' Ellie mentioned. The waiter who looked like Brad Pitt came to take their drink orders. Ellie just had a coca cola as it was lunch time and she didn't want to be even a little tipsy on her afternoon shift. It was an important time for Tall who had meetings with clients coming out of her ears. Work was pretty busy at the moment, so a sisters' meet up was just what was called for!

After the scrumptious meal, Chrissie left a rather generous tip for Brad-Pitt-lookalike. 'He deserves it,' she told Ellie when she gave her the eye.
'It's your money,' Ellie laughed. 'Thanks for paying C,' she said reaching out to give her sister a hug. Chrissie returned her sister's affectionate manners. Chrissie got up and walked to the door. Ellie followed swiftly and they hugged again outside the resturant as a goodbye gesture. Ellie then watched as her sister walked down the street and rounded a corner. It had been a very good lunch. And they would more than likely be coming here again, not because of the waiter but bec ause the food was delicious. Ok, well maybe partly because of the Brad-Pitt-lookalike waiter!

Ellie switched her attention to the traffic lights. She still had fifteen minutes before she was needed back at work so there was no need to panic. The traffic light turned red. This was her cue.

She wheeled into the road mindlessly - thinking of what Tall might get her to do this afternoon when a car came speeding through the traffic lights and hit her.

She was knocked from her wheelchair into the air and landed about five metres away.



Sunday, 29 March 2015

How To: Not Stay Mad

It is not good to be het up or get angry at something.

In the moment it's ok but to keep being angry at something will only drag you down.

If you're mad at or with something or someone you are only making yourself feel bad; whoever or whatever hurt you or made you mad is not thinking about how mad you are at them. It doesn't affect them in the same way it might be affecting you.

You're only making yourself feel bad about a particular situation and by remaining mad at someone or something only means that you're not letting yourself move forward.

This is yet another way of holding yourself back. Being mad just deprives us of being happy.

If people are rude to you - don't be rude back. It is their problem - not yours!

Be the bigger and better person - Rise Above which is a great campain that is running on youtube at the moment.

If you're anything like me or the people I know - being mad at someone or something will stop you from going somewhere.

This is the wrong attitude to take because is depriving the world of our light and that's not fair to the world and equally not fair on us. Don't stay mad, refocus your energy into something that's right for you.



Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 39

Told from Jamie's p.o.v
Ellie's porcelain skin made her irresistible last night. I nearly reached out for her. I was so close to the brink of...disastar I think it would be for her. I don't know where she stands (or sits) in feeling towards me. I was so tempted last night to take her in my arms and smell her hair. Just something romantic like that anyway. Something she can't miss. Yet if she doesn't feel like I do it'll be humiliating and I'll lose face. But thinking about how she has been with me - playful and animated I get the feeling that she likes me too. There have been moments of mild flirtation between us and I'd like to take it further. Not all the way; I know that'd make her uncomfortable. I don't want either of us to feel that way. Am I a man or a mouse? I'm going to pluck up the courage and tell her. You only live once. And the worse thing that could happen is us going back to how we are now. 



Sunday, 22 March 2015

How To: Find Positivity In Perspective

The world continues regardless of what is happening to you personally. If something bad is happening, it is rather refreshing to discover that the world carries on. No matter how massive something appears to be in our lives, that something won't stop the world. The eclipse on Friday showed this well,  as the world has a totally seperate agenda.

It feels like you've been trapped in the same place forever? Well, you haven't. It only feels like forever because that is what's happening right now. But the time will come when everything changes. The natural order of things constitutes that things can't stay the same forever, like the seasons (though in England that is debatable!) As I always say, it may be stormy now, but beautiful things blossom in the rain. Just because it is that way now doesn't mean it will stay that way. So appreciate it while you can. It is worth it.

It's your mind which creates barriers, obviously physical barriers like in my case are harder to deal with, but you can find a way. Life doesn't slow down, as much as we wish it would at times. Nor does it speed up which can be frustrating, particulary in my position. But I have faith in life, that it will work out for the best. I have taken to seeing where I am as a holding pen which as soon as the world is ready I will be fledging from.

The simple fact that in the universe the stars shine all the time, though they aren't visible in daylight or when we have cloudy nights (which is very frequently in England) is a really powerful source of inspiration I think. They shine on regardless, which is a really beautiful thing that's happening right now.

Think of all the thingsx that are happening now, carrying on nevertheless. There are lots of things. I'd love to know what you can think of, and would love to know your opinion on this post. Thank you for reading.



Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 38

Told from Ellie's pov

I found out about Jamie mindlessly while sorting through the records. In black and white it was right there in front of me - Jamie Mann - but Jamie Schwartz was the man who'd been working with me. I simply took it to be a mistake at first - but it kept coming up. Though I'm crazy busy at the moment - I had to sort this out and know who he was so I called him. We hadn't arranged our next meet-up so when I got home that day and I wasn't rushed off of my wheels I text him to see if he was up to much that eve. He said he wasn't, so I suggested meeting at the bar near mine. He agreed. We set it up for 8.00pm giving us both time to freshen up. So 8.00pm finally rolled around and I rolled into the bar. I was in a little black dress that I hoped made me look good. Kelly hadn't been in before I left to give me her opinion. She is my style guru. 'You smell nice,' was the first thing Jamie said to me when I approached the table he was already sat at. My malibu and coke was sitting atop the table and he was already half-way down his pint. 'So...'
'The reason I have two names is I'm adopted.' My mouth hung open and I grabbed at the glass in front of me and started to drink. I glugged down a fair amount before I spoke.
'That must have been terrible for you,' I said quietly.
'I don't like to talk about it.' He said. Understandable. So he had a rough childhood? That explains so much. His upbringing wasn't as picturesque as mine. Or seemingly picturesque. That was a lot to take. I drank in silence for the next few minutes. 'So how's work?' he asked.
'Bloody intense, it's the busy season so everybody wants a meeting with Tall and there's so much to read!' I sound exhausted. But I've got to keep going. Thinking of poor Jamie as a young boy in an orphange is enough. 'How's your work?' I ask tentatively.
'Ok thanks. Yeah, not too bad thanks,' Jamie said softly. With that, he put his glass down having finished his pint and waited for me to finish mine which I did a few seconds later.



Sunday, 15 March 2015

How To: Just Breathe


It happens every day
Might be huge but small in the way
It matters for that moment
It seems everything is frozen
But it's not
Take a brighter thought

And just breathe
Things go wrong
Just breathe
Life goes on
It's not the end of the world
So get a grip girl
Just breathe

Things will be Ok
Just hold tight to your dreams and stay
It's a merry go round
It can get you down
This life
Always try to stay in the light
(Repeat Chorus)
And I don't know
Where is my soul?
I just need to breathe
When the world is pounding me
When I need a release
Gotta remind myself to just breathe
Just breathe

This is a lyric I wrote to remind myself that it is beneficial. It always makes me laugh the first version of this I wrote because I wrote 'merry go wrong' instead of 'merry go round'!!!

It's hard when things go wrong. You just have to remember it's not the be all and end all. It's hard to do in tense situations but it is possible. It isn't what happens in life that we react to, it is our interpretation of what happens to us. So if we are downhearted when looking at a problem facing us it will drag us down whereas if you look at it with a brighter frame of mind you will find it easier to cope. Being open to all eventualities is also a good concept. You don't know why someone reacted as they have, you don't know why this has happened but it has made you stronger. Everything in this  world has the ability to weaken or strengthen you given how much time, energy and power you give it. You have the ability to decide to make it work for you or against you. Making it work for you might not be easy, you might have to change things up and never stop adjusting and readjusting. But the beauty of life is it never stands still, though it can feel like it at times. But keeping yourself busy is a good thing and means you don't get too caught up in your own head. For example, I write quotes in my Quote Books which is a good thing for the future too!

Hope this helps!



Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 37

Told from Jamie's pov

It's been at least a month since I saw Ellie. To be honest, I've lost track of time. Work has been hectic and it has been for her too. It's something like the busy season in books or something so I'd be lucky to get a thicket of her time apparently. Apparently she always has her nose in a book, both at work and out of it at the moment. I've got a lot going on anyway. Now wouldn't be the best time for us to meet up. Especially not when I promised myself I'd do the big reveal the next time we met up.
I spoke with Nancy again. She had a really nice voice. Then Max stood in my door so I had to go. I was asked to write a proposal for the new research that the people under us needed to do. That gave me a headache for the rest of the day, so I was surprised when I got a call from Ellie.

'Why did you tell me your sur-name was Schwartz?'
'Because it is! My work doesn't know my real name.' He kept his voice down.
'What? You've got some explaining to do...'
'Ok! Ok! I'll tell you everything at our meet up,' I told her. How the hell did she find out and what am I going to tell her?

Sunday, 8 March 2015

How To Stop Thinking Lowly Of Yourself

Whatever you focus on you're going to get more of. So if you're going through a hard time and thinking 'I'm going through a really hard time' it will remain a hard time. Often our thoughts are unconscious and because of this they are harder to change to a brighter perspective. But you can get there if you keep going. If you are going through a difficult time, it is difficult to focus on the good things that are going on in life. It is at such times - when you don't always like it - to appreciate the wonders of our world - birds singing, clouds rushing across the sky, a quiet moment, a smile etc. There are so many happy things that are free and it takes less time to conjure yet these are the beautiful things we tend to forget. We're so busy in our lives - sometimes it's good to just to take a step back from all the drama - and appreciate what you have.
If you are having a bad day - put it down to just that - ONE BAD DAY. Tomorrow is a brand new one just waiting to happen!

You Are Amazing. Think about this, every hard situation you have faced you've made it through and you're still here. That has to account for something. It takes a lot of strength to think positively. It is an ongoing battle. But one that is worth it. I'd rather go to sleep at night on my face rather than fearful of what tomorrow might be. And how do you know what it will be like? It hasn't arrived yet. Fearing the future is pointless.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 36

Written from Ellie's point of view
It happened a while ago. In January, as Jamie told me. He didn't tell me at the time. He just went away. I guess I can't really blame him. I went out for drinks with Poppy two nights after I found out. There's been a lot of excitement at work as a new man called Joe has just been employed as another new receptionist. Apparently Joe only has eyes for one person, and it's me. I don't know how to feel about that yet. I'm very flattered. I have had some wild dreams in the last week - ever since he was introduced. I need to stop wasting my time on a pipe dream with Jamie and seemingly get with Joe. I text Joe about meeting up and that's where I'm going tonight. Out with Joe. He doesn't have expectations. I'm pretty sure of that. We'll just see how this goes.

He took me out for dinner. We had a few cocktails and we went back to his place, which is not far from mine actually. I don't usually fall for guys as quickly as I fell for Joe. Joe is irresistible. I don't know how long it will last. It's chemical. We drank some JD and coke at his and after that our hands didn't stay for very long.



Sunday, 1 March 2015

How To: Not Feel Intimidated

Those people who intimidate people have lots of experience and have been doing what they do for a long time. That is how they have got to such so expert at doing whatever it is they are intimidating you by doing. Unfortunately, the only way to get more experience in whatever field, is to do more of it. Just put on a brave face and get on with whatever it is you need/want to get better at. Confidence carries you a long way. Act as if you're confident even if you're the furthest from it. It will make your persona seem confident, and in a quick time that becomes how you feel anyway. Confidence gives you authority and though you might not have a clue about what's happening - people will look to you like you do.
It doesn't mean that they are confident but they will certainly look it. And they will grow in confidence because of that. You just have to remember that it's confidence they have, but they're not better than you. Acting the part plays a key role here. You don't have to know what you're doing but if you act like you do people will go along with it. It's all about perception and how others view you.



Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 35

It's been about a month since Jamie's disappearing and no contact act. Ellie has been getting on with her life and luckily it has been so busy she hasn't had time to think about Jamie so ignoring him has come with ease. He is contacting her at least once weekly. He was discussing her work with her and hadn't mentioned Kate's death to her. He knew he'd have to but it was more of a face to face conversation. Somehow he dwindled the conversation to meeting up at the bar at 7.00pm on a Friday night. Ellie had the whole weekend ahead of her to get lost in her stories so it seemed opportune time. Jamie knew it was only fair to drop one bombshell at a time so tonight he'd tell her about Kate and at their next meet up would reveal his feelings for her. If he revealed Kate's death after he would look like he was hiding things. He didn't want to do that. Not before he had to in any case! He didn't want this to be an over-riding factor before their relationship even left the marks.

Ellie got to the bar promptly. She expected Jamie to be late but as she made her way into the bar she realised he was already there with the usual drinks sitting in front of him. He didn't even see her for a few moments. She pulled up into the table before he noticed her. 'Hi,' she said tentively. He put his hands on top of hers. She looked in his eyes. Her fear was evident on her face.

'El, you know I was away for a few days about 4 weeks ago?'Ellie nods. 'And I went to a place with no signal, so I could think?'

'I didn't know that's why you did it...' she murmured.

'Well, my boss Kate, the woman you walked on in with me she....died,' he said his voice getting lower with every syllable.
'Oh God,' Ellie said and stared into the glass of her drink that she hadn't yet touched. Ellie thought of how selfish she'd been. Thinking it was all because of her. There are bigger things that happen in life. She needed to get that into her head. She wasn't all that went on in his life, as much as she wished life could be that simple she knew it wasn't. There were a million things that went on at once which most of the time worked well together but sometimes gave catastrophic consequences like that. She had been so wrapped up in her own head that the fact that other things went on in his peripheral vision didn't even cross her mind. She picked up her glass and slugged down about half in one gulp. She didn't know what to say. That explains a lot. He'd been distant since the first few days of January which must have been when he found out. She asked just so she could confirm it to herself. She drank the rest of her drink in silence and then left to get back to her books. Jamie was left on his own. Jamie got up and went to the pub nearest to his work where he fround Max drinking himself into oblivion. He stayed, keeping his company until the early hours and made sure he got home.



Sunday, 22 February 2015

How To Admit You're Wrong

When we get wrapped up in our own head; we often think things will turn out worse than they do in reality. Most people won't react as badly as we make out in our head. I personally believe our brain's are wired cynically and to override them with positivity is a massive achievement. But you do have to work hard at it. It can take years to change your thought pattern.

Even now, I was reluctant to admit a problem that I had to my mother and very reluctant to admit that I'd fallen over just that morning when my physio came to see me. I thought I'd never hear the end of it if I admitted that. I was scared of getting told off. That's a big hurdle to make it pastSo when eventually I admitted it and it wasn't as bad as I had expected.Because situations like these arise all the time, but by admitting it I found that they had my best interests at heart, were worried about my safety rather than shouting at me. I was aware of what I'd done wrong - taking too bigger a step - which I learnt from.

And maybe that's the bit that people don't like. Not just admitting they were wrong, but admitting why they were wrong. And I don't understand this.

Admitting you're wrong is hard and there's no easy way around that. But admitting why you were wrong helps you grow as a person and helps next time you try to accomplish whatever it is that you are doing. It is overcoming your pride and this can be embarassing. You won't neccessarily want to admit it out loud but it'll help you grow and flourish.

Some people can't see why and where they go wrong, and if you point it out you'll probably get your head bitten off. This is something that people have to work out for themselves, however long that takes.

Everyone makes mistakes but it how you deal with it, learning from it and owning up when you are wrong. Nothing is ever a failure if it teaches you something.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 34

Jamie got up. He had decided last night that he needed to get away - possibly to somewhere with no phone signal - he had checked with work yesterday and he was due some holiday anyway. So he decided to pack his bag and head up to Scarborough. He knew it was a lovely part of the world and hopefully being there would sort out his head. He still felt guilty about Kate and didn't know where to place himself with regards to Ellie. She was always eager to meet up but perhaps she was just a really good friend. He couldn't tell. 

He'd packed the night before and just had to use the necessities before packing them. Toothbrush, hairbrush and get into his clothes today and he was all set! He carried these out in pretty quick succession and was ready to go by 6.00am. He left a note for Jeff as he didn't relish the idea of waking him up. No one knew where he was going. Not even work. He'd just been signed off for a few days. 

If Max had known, he'd wonder why and in all truthfulness Jamie only decided on Scarborough the previous night. He knew he had to get away. Kate's funeral had been really tough for him to get through. He had bitten his knuckles until they were red raw. Luckily he hadn't been asked to speak. Seeing the grief-stricken Max was enough though. 

Jamie had a long drive ahead of him. But it would be worth it, to go to a place where he could sort his head out. It'd be so good for him, he'd be uncontactable for a few days and he liked that. He needed time to think. About his job, about his life in general and about Ellie. Who knew what could happen tomorrow? That had been brought home to him by Kate's sudden demise and he didn't want to wait anymore. He knew what he wanted. He'd rather tell her now than risk it being too late or the feelings going away. But he'd get his head straight first. 



Sunday, 15 February 2015

How To: Be Successful

To be successful in life you need to investigate possibilites and be brave enough to try new things. You have to have an open mind. You cannot and should not automatically dimiss something or assume that it will go wrong. Negativity can be catching and it is so very often out of fear. Fear can numb our minds and put us into lockdown mode. It makes us scared to take chances but no one ever gets anywhere by not taking them. 

'No matter what your definition of success, you cannot succeed without first trying.' (Anonymous). This is so true; trying new things is not a bad thing. Again this drifts back to one of my core beliefs, if you never try you'll never know
And so what if it doesn't work out? Yes you will lose time, effort and possibly money but at least you will know what route not to take. And even if you think that this will turn out to be the case, it's no reason for a half hearted attempt. If you do only give it a half-hearted attempt to something, you'll find yourself wondering what could have happened if you put 100% in. Maybe not now, not tomorrow but at some point in the future. To put future wonderings to bed you need to give your attempt at something new your full attention, put your heart and soul into it because you never know where it could lead. 

Being successful is letting go of what the world, society thinks of you and doing something because you love it. It's all about taking chances. 

If no one took risks do you think anyone would have what they do today? Taking risks or chances or whatever you want to call them is what keeps the world spinning around. If everyone stayed safe, you probably wouldn't be reading this right now. I wouldn't have the pen that I was writing this with, wouldn't have the paper, wouldn't have the internet to publish this on. So when you do get offered or see a chance DO take it because you never know. The world is full of possibilities - it's your job to grab them! 

Hope this helps someone! 



Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 33

Ellie closed her eyes. She couldn’t handle strangers’ torturous stares today. It was the end the day and she was running low on energy. She had been reading a couple of good stories lately, that made forgetting about the no contact from Jamie a little easier. Getting enveloped into an unreal world was always good when you want to forget something. Ellie was good at imagining herself in a character and believing that the things that were going on in her life were happening to someone else. To get so lost in a book is dangerous but she really needed it. And looking at the issues facing her from a distance she could see how petty it was. A guy not replying to a text wasn’t the end of the world; she just had to continue with her life without him, which she was having to do anyway, he’d get back to her when he could, when maybe his head was in a better place. She had no idea what was happening in Jamie’s life at the moment. She had no right to badger him to get back to her. He would when he wanted to and no sooner. 

*Sorry it's so short! I really need Your help though. What do you want to see in future parts? Let me know below or in a comment on facebook: 



Sunday, 8 February 2015

How To Deal With The Unspeakable

Everyone I've had a crush on I have gotten over pretty quickly. Of course it felt like forever when I was in the situations but they didn't. Looking back at them now I laugh. What was I thinking, most of the time. I've written a list of the names I remember. There were about 14 throughout my school years, (can you believe it!!) and about 14 at university. At least I was even and fair at both establishments! Looking at the names in order I'm often astounded how I went to fancying one guy to another. Either because they looked so different or again it's a 'what was I thinking' moment.When I was at school I used to get emails every day from a boy who really didn't like me but kept replying! It was fun for the three years that it lasted.
I was single throughout my teenage years. That affected my character for years. I doubted I was good looking or worth it. I remember being told by my sister when I was just starting secondary school that I’d have guys queuing up to be with me, which wasn’t true as I soon realised. I felt there was obviously something wrong with me and I have been harbouring this belief for years. I felt like a disappointment not only to my heart, but to everyone I knew. I went to university when I was 18 and I thought things might change. But nothing changed. It just reinforced the belief that there was something wrong with me. I connected with boys – I had 2 male best friends at secondary school and countless male friends at university but nobody wanted to take a chance with me. 

It affected my confidence massively. But being alone for so long has made me realise that if I don’t believe it of myself how is anybody else supposed to believe in me? This was quite brave of me to share, as it is putting myself out there publicly but I thought you deserved to know that I had and have these anxeties too. 
I have the added pressure of worrying the person I like sees the wheelchair before me. I actually asked this of a boy I did have a crush on in sixth form and he said, ‘You of course!’ but then as a back comment to his friends said ‘Well, I didn’t want to be rude!’ It’s a hard pill to swallow. I just have to believe that the guys in my past haven’t been strong enough to see me first. I know my disability will play a massive part in whatever relationships I do have, but I hope it won’t impact everything. I am independent. I don’t need anybody to do anything for me – so I am quite lucky in that regard. But I fear that’s what people expect. My disability is of secondary importance. Get to know me and hey your opinion might change. 
So because I know this affects everyone, girls in particular but boys also and it is hard to discuss with people closest to you (be they parents or collegues) I encourage you to share your stories with me in the comments. And you can use initials or a code-name, for instance I had a crush on T (the inital is totally unrelated to his name) but no one knew who that was. 
I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to be yourself and find someone strong enough to look past imperfections - real or imagined! = and see the real you!