Sunday, 8 February 2015

How To Deal With The Unspeakable

Everyone I've had a crush on I have gotten over pretty quickly. Of course it felt like forever when I was in the situations but they didn't. Looking back at them now I laugh. What was I thinking, most of the time. I've written a list of the names I remember. There were about 14 throughout my school years, (can you believe it!!) and about 14 at university. At least I was even and fair at both establishments! Looking at the names in order I'm often astounded how I went to fancying one guy to another. Either because they looked so different or again it's a 'what was I thinking' moment.When I was at school I used to get emails every day from a boy who really didn't like me but kept replying! It was fun for the three years that it lasted.
I was single throughout my teenage years. That affected my character for years. I doubted I was good looking or worth it. I remember being told by my sister when I was just starting secondary school that I’d have guys queuing up to be with me, which wasn’t true as I soon realised. I felt there was obviously something wrong with me and I have been harbouring this belief for years. I felt like a disappointment not only to my heart, but to everyone I knew. I went to university when I was 18 and I thought things might change. But nothing changed. It just reinforced the belief that there was something wrong with me. I connected with boys – I had 2 male best friends at secondary school and countless male friends at university but nobody wanted to take a chance with me. 

It affected my confidence massively. But being alone for so long has made me realise that if I don’t believe it of myself how is anybody else supposed to believe in me? This was quite brave of me to share, as it is putting myself out there publicly but I thought you deserved to know that I had and have these anxeties too. 
I have the added pressure of worrying the person I like sees the wheelchair before me. I actually asked this of a boy I did have a crush on in sixth form and he said, ‘You of course!’ but then as a back comment to his friends said ‘Well, I didn’t want to be rude!’ It’s a hard pill to swallow. I just have to believe that the guys in my past haven’t been strong enough to see me first. I know my disability will play a massive part in whatever relationships I do have, but I hope it won’t impact everything. I am independent. I don’t need anybody to do anything for me – so I am quite lucky in that regard. But I fear that’s what people expect. My disability is of secondary importance. Get to know me and hey your opinion might change. 
So because I know this affects everyone, girls in particular but boys also and it is hard to discuss with people closest to you (be they parents or collegues) I encourage you to share your stories with me in the comments. And you can use initials or a code-name, for instance I had a crush on T (the inital is totally unrelated to his name) but no one knew who that was. 
I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to be yourself and find someone strong enough to look past imperfections - real or imagined! = and see the real you!

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