Powerful You

 You are spectacular. Do enough people feel like this? I know I haven't on many occassions. And that is ok sometimes but you have to remember that positivity must overcome negativity eventually. 

When I feel as though I can't do something or I fail at something I am attempting I can often get frustrated with myself. But this is ridiculous. I am in a wheelchair so I am limited with what I can do. But this does not mean I am not spectacular in many other ways. You must not let your natural limitations  get in the way of your actual potential. There is no shame in asking for help. Doing this can enable you to forget about your problems and focus on what it is that makes you special. Because you are. You are capable.

Steph

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Please Remember

 It is so easy to get caught up in other people's drama, to stress over nothing, lose yourself in all the confusion and forget who you are. That was me this morning! 

Please remember the smiles that are there because you are too. You are so important. You get to decide how you want to feel and what priorities you want to make. 

I don't understand too much but I am willing to learn. And that is my main point. If you're unwilling to try something different than I guess you'll never know. But I like rule breaking and being able to say what is on my mind. 

Every Possibility

Every possibility is open to me.

I just have to be open to seeing it that way.

I wasn't bad. I know bouts of depression can be much worse.

But talking about things help.

And it can alleviate pressure build up.

Communication is key.

I'm open to learning.

It's true, I lost my anchoring in life for a while but I am back now, ready to face the curveballs life can throw with positivity, confidence and assertiveness.

I must always wear my CAP. C for confidence
A for Assertiveness
P for positivity.

I have a problem

I have gotten into a habit of always looking down on myself. I need to change this. Start looking at things as opportunities rather than a have to. I need to let my incredible light shine out of me. It doesn’t matter what rate other people go at, it is not mine and that is ok. If they get praised for it, let them. Don’t let yourself be disgruntled. If someone is hotter than you, let them be. Start asking what is the opportunity in this and what can I learn from this? I have a perfect life. I think I often don’t recognise   this. And I really need to start.

Making Disability Accessible

So, I was furious reading this: https://www.cjr.org/the_feature/journalism-disability-beat.php because it is true, any mother would support their child in the  same way. It is lovely that she  got recognised for what she did, but really it's surely a mother's instinct? 

I totally understand that it might make people feel good but for someone  who has to go through the rigmarole of having a disability on a daily basis I get why it's newsworthy but it shouldn't be. If someone saw you struggling to comprehend something, they would help if they could, but that fact would not become newsworthy because of a disease you have or something.

Those were just my thoughts on the issue please leave  your own if you agree or disagree with me - I'd love to read them!

Steph

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I've Lost My Pajaz For Life

In general. I'm lost I think I'm just totally overwhelmed by life. By how good it can be and how my life is now outstanding. Its totally unusual to have everything working out for me but it is and I know I should be grateful.

I truly am but I feel like I'm in a holding pen and its always tomorrow I will get unleashed into the world. 

Waiting until Olly goes and has his real life. Or that is what my mind keeps telling me. And  I need to stop it feeding me lies.

We are happy.

It's only my mind that wants to convince me I'm not.

I'm a star and it's my turn to shine, is something I have on a post it note on my mirror and I just need to believe that.

I am starting a journalism course in the next few weeks so if I post anything on here I will be learning.

Steph

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Being engaged in Covid 19 Lockdown!

I feel amazing to be writing this in spite of what is going on in thè rest of the world.

It’s just spectacular. I never thought this would happen to me. Never in my wildest dreams. And then he asked me. Olly, the most courageous, gorgeous man I have ever met.  It took my breath away. Honestly. I really didn’t expect it. We were going on a Northern Lights trip which was special enough...I was excited enough by that prospect - but Olly totally made my fantasies come true!

T here’s only one man who could have done that. So on the way home from seeing the Northern Lights which were amazing, but the majesty of being up in the stars was even better - he got up on the speaker at the front of the plane. I didn’t know what was going on - I had always hopef the day might come - but I never expected it so soon! We’re only 2 years 3 months in! I am the luckiest woman alive. We are perfect for each other. The whole trip faded into.a backdrop to ourr spectacular and incredible love story. I was proposed to in the stars - somewhere above Iceland and the Northhern Sea.

Our flight was one of the last to leave Gatwick and fly back there, which my baby thinks is genius to confuse Passport Control on the way oyut: ‘So  where did you arrive from?’

Moving In With Olly

I never thought I’d see the day I’d be out of my parents house. This feeling is spectacular and I hope it never fades away. Just the fact of not going back to them is a relief in itself but the fact that I have moved in with the love of my life makes it even better. IIIt’s just mega-exciting for us now. Everything has changed. And the flat is really easy for me to get around because it was a new build in 2016. It does have doors which I was worried about, but as long as those are open they are easy to steer through. They are nice big doorways for me to get through. I honestly thought I’d be with my parents until one of them popped their clogs and I’m just so thankful that Olly is there to save the day. Well, save my day. 

It is difficult - we’re kind of living in a limbo stage at the moment. 

We are having to camp out on the sofa bed that his parents bought us because the spring in his bed has come out and given him a nasty gash. It was lucky we were bought a sofa bed! At least we know it’s comfy when we have guests round to stay!

I’m just getting through the days in a bit of a daze because I can’t believe this is my life!

I feel like I’m gonna wake up in a minute and find this has all been a sensational dream. Honestly, that is how it feels. 

We have bought a bed - which is coming on the 15th. It is an iron frame which will make it easy for me to grab and help me get up. We got other bits and pieces for the flat. We’ve got until the 15th to sort what we can out. And if we don’t, we don’t. It’s not the end of the world. We’ve cleared some boxes and made as much progress as it’s possible to make and not tire us out. That is really important. We need to relax too. I think we’ve got a good balance at the moment. Beyond eight o’clock we start to close down shop at the moment. But we’re so busy unpacking and getting sorted that by the time it gets to being any later we’re beat.

This is just unbelievable to be happening in my life. I honestly can't believe this is happening to me. This is all such a dream and I'm with my perfect partner. He's so brilliant - and I am so lucky to be with him. He is so understanding and he's just what I need. I don't deserve him and that is the truth. I am just so thankful and I love him so much. I owe him so much.

It's so exciting I'm overwhelmed a lot of the time that I can't even speak!

It's just so good my life right now.

This is so unbelievable. I cannot fathom the words to explain how dream like this feels. Right. Now. It's just incredible. Take the best feeling in the world and times it by ten and that might get you close to how I'm feeling right now. This is crazy. Olly has changed my life. I am so much stronger because of Olly. I'm a better person. I love him so deeply with everything I have. 

Don't get me wrong I do love my parents and they have done more than words can ever express for me  but now is time for my adventure!  

Steph

XxX

Style Crisis!

I have splints which I wear when I can.

Now, it's really annoying cos I have loads of beautiful boots which are unsuitable with the splints.
There are many reasons for this, mostly being that they are high heeled.

My splints actually have a heel built into them so my actual heel is elevated anyway.

In that case it makes what I wear awkward.

If I'm wearing my splints I have to wear lose fitting jeans so that they are looser at the bottom.

Now this makes styling my clothes quite difficult.

If I'm feeling up to it I'll put my splints on to walk around for a bit depending on how I'm feeling.

But because it depends on how I feel at that moment I can't really plan.

So that sort-of sucks.

But the way I look at it, it's exciting!

I get to reinvent the look that I give myself every day!

I have patterned leggings or jeans that fit me perfectly when I go without my splints.

But I can always plan what I will wear on my top half irrelevant of the jeans/trousers.

Well, partly.

Having such fitted jeans means that I always look good when not in my splints but it's a little harder to maintain when I am wearing them.

I love cosying up in my fitted jeans when I don't have my splints on.

But that means I don't exercise myself and that means I have a fairly easy day.

Which is obviously is not good.

We should always be looking to improve ourselves.

Steph
XxX

A Review Of 'Bull' by The Pranksters

'Bull' written by Mike Bartlett.
As seen by me on the 2nd May 2019

What a fantastic show! Hard-hitting and expertly timed lines that really touched me. This is a play all about how bullying keeps going long into our adulthood.

Growing up being bullied myself , it showed how in work situations that can happen too.

Now, we never find out the company that the three main characters work for, but that is beside the point, I think.

It shows that it can happen to anyone, at any time and for any reason.

Tim Brown played the main character with excellent pathos and humour. The other characters in the play weren't interested in his backstory or what he'd done to get where he was. Kirsty Lane and Jeremy Gooding showing off their skills at being decidedly nasty under a veil of good honest hard workmanship. Phil Snell also appeared giving the audience a glimpse into how business organisations really feel when it comes to the upper echelons of management.

Showing the time when new blood comes in, unfortunately sometimes, at the price of old blood. Marie Gardener directed the four actors and this script with the humour and ferocity that the play deserves. The stage set like a boxing ring with a water-cooler at the centre shows what a night you are in for.

It was a great show, it really piqued my interest as I could relate with it on so many levels.
Firstly, I was bullied at school so I know what it's like to be picked on and made to feel bad for needing assistance and/or help. I had two best friends at primary school, one who left due to unforeseen circumstances and another who was taken off me by my enemy. Which is why I've never felt like enough on my own. It was an absolutely ridiculous thing to be bullied for and it made me feel very sorry that I existed. That feeling has never left since. When I wallow in self-doubt or pity that feeling always comes back.

Watching this play made all those feelings come back but I'm glad. It just goes to show how strong I am now.

In the play, the main character hadn't turned up with the right paperwork and needless to say that was his undoing.

It was performed at The Star pub in Guildford where I have to be lifted inside up 2 steps. It would have been nice if the pub had invested in some portable ramps to combat this but both staff and production crew were on hand to assist. I wasn't able to go to the bar to get a drink but fortunately Ollie got me a rum and coke.

I was helped into The Star pub in Guildford by Oliver Matthew Bruce and Jeremy Gooding. Jenny Swift was on hand looking out for Oliver and myself. It was a really fun evening. I was later escorted out by Oliver Matthew Bruce and Mark Ashdown.

It is on again at the Leatherhead Drama Festival on the 15th of May.
The next show The Pranksters are putting on is Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare in The Guildford Castle Grounds and that will be on the 5th to the 13th of July.
Steph

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My Life Has Changed For The Better

Whoa ... this has been a long time coming and I apologise for the delay!

It's been quite crazy!

With work where I volunteer I haven't had time to do any of this!

I will make time for this - interestingly at work it has been suggested that I start a fashion blog myself - so please watch this space!

Apparently I'm so stylish every time I go to the office!

I am finally in a loving relationship and I couldn't be happier! It's as if Olly just fell out of one of my dreams. It really is.

Now we are moving in together and the process has exceeded every expectation I have ever had.

The landlord is okay with changes that I might need. It's so amazing and just crazy!

I was talking  to a friend and even 12 months back I wouldn't have believed that I would be in this position.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind ever since Olly turned up in my life and one that I hope never ends. He never ceases to amaze me and he is so understanding of my every need that how I ever got by without him is a mystery to me.

Steph

XxX

Kick Into Action

My baby had words with me about not researching what he’s interested in. All the information is there at our fingertips (if you have an internet connection) and so we just need to be able to harness that information. It’s all there. Now, fair point I don’t often go out of my way to research stuff. I guess it’s a bad habit. Which my baby is trying to free me from. So I don’t blame him at all. Sometimes I just need a kick up the arse! 

I’m so interested to find out what he likes and the reason why and it’s time to grow up; be an adult and find out things for myself! I really needed someone to tell me this, so as ever more love bleeds out of me for Ollie than ever! 

Now I have quotes scattered all around my room at home and it’s really time I started taking my own advice. Today is ur someday. 

Today is your day; you can make it positive or negative. Hopefully it’s the former and you can be positive about the changes you are making. 

It strikes me how much time we waste being angry or not pushing ourselves to be the best we can. 

With my disability I do tend to get tired easily and in no way am I making excuses for the behaviour I present but I do need more time to work on stuff. I will get there but in my own time, is all that I can say to defend my position. I have an active mind still, and as long as that keeps burning inside me, that’s all I can hope for.

Steph

XxX

Hiya, A Review Of Waterskiing

Whoa, I am so sorry it's been so long I have been really busy. Actually living my life as apposed to stazring at the walls....which I have much experience of. I want to post about the awesome time I had waterskiing but I've been doing so much in between it's hard to know wherfe to begin!

My life is certainly busier, more fabulous and more adventurous since I met my beau, Oliver Matthew Bruce. He just takes my breath away...he's so beautiful. And he has a kind heart. I still can't believe how lucky I am to get to have him in my life. How blessed I am that he lifted me out of the confines of loneliness which I felt trapped in...

Waterskiing was incredible. I was doing a taster session with Sportability which is a fantastic charity. (www.sportability.org.uk) It was thrilling and freeing. I even fell in - but felt so secure that by the time fear fizzled to the surface the instructors were helping me back onto the ski. The way it worked I sat down to waterski. You have to have enough upper body strength to remain sitting up whist a rope pulls you along at speed and I am lucky enough to have that ability. It was awe-inspiring, adrenelin racing. It was such an incredible experience that I can't wait to repeat!

Steph

XxX

All These Thoughts...

Sorry I haven't been doing this as regularly as planned...I can only apologise.

I hate being singled out for being disabled. I used to get it a lot at school and things have improved as I have gotten older but it's still there. I am just an individual with different needs. And different doesn't mean bad. It's just that, different. We all are. I am different and there's nothing I can do about that. And even if I could, I wouldn't. Why would I trade my life for one of perfection? Perfection would be dead boring.

Plus where would all the adventures disguised as challenges come from? Adventures do come disguised as challenges most of the time, and there is no shame in that. If it challenges you then it changes you in some way, albeit small, but it might change the way you look at something which is no bad thing. These are adventures, let your mind see them as such. If you change the vocabulary you use, you can change your mindset about a lot of things.

Steph

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A Thought Or Two...

I have been rubbish at this lately... I'm sorry. My boyfriend takes up most my time nowadays...and  I'm so happy. I never thought I would be. I never thought I deserved to be. I never thought I would be in this position because I add so much more complication to life.

I am loving work at the moment. It was only my first day last week but I am loving every second of it. It's so interesting and relevant in my life. I'm the daredevil person - the one who'll try anything because if you don't try how will you ever know? The company is called Disability Today and it's a great resource for looking up what kind of things are available for disabled people. My boss is Grant Logan who's done loads of videos on youtube about the things he's done after his accident. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwriL90pUNE 

Stteph

XxX

A Poem I Wrote

A long time ago...before I met my boyfriend. But I'm so glad I found it because it's good to reflect upon.....

I don't know where
I don't know when
But I know I'm gonna find you
Someday
It might be today

Stop hiding away
Cos that day might be today
But you'll never know if you don't take chances
Shaky hands and nervous glances
Just live for today
All the heartache just throw away
Cos you don't need to
Suffer from all they put you through
You wanna feel your heart come alive
It will at the right time
You've just not met them yet
Think of all the good times yet to be met.

My First Day At Work And 'A Little Information'

It was so good!

I was basically filling out a spreadsheet for work. And it was so interesting.

Just scratching at the surface of what's out there which I had no idea about.

This job will open doors and possible new activities and therefore, new hobbies.

Last Sunday I was at 'A Play In A Day' in The Stoke Public House in Guildford. It took place in the back room.

Inspired by '1984', 'The Hothouse' and 'One For The Road', the play is a really intense but fun ride to take.

All day was spent rehearsing and it was really fun for me to see the makings of a show.

Especially a show that was done in one day!

It was so awesome to have read the full script the day before to actually see it come to life!

'A Little Information' is so cleverly written and seeing it actually performed was incredible.

Oliver Matthew Bruce wrote and directed it.

The fact that he was actually there was a  real incredible feat.

It meant you didn't have to worry about wondering what said playwright meant by a certain line or would he/she want it delivered this way?!

I'm sure the cast felt pressure of him being there, but hopefully not too much.

They are all amateur dramatics pros, I was only an observer.

It was performed by Pranksters and it really was worth seeing.

Time

There is no time, only movement. Time has to exist because we made it so. Like if a ball goes up, it must come down. In other words, time is man made! It's just something that the human species made up to explain the changes that occur naturally. As much as the seasons are counted and months are in our ever expanding understanding of our universe.

Things take their own time to ripen and taking your own time to adjust to things is really Ok, even though time won't stop for you to prepare yourself for what's coming nextthis is all the joy of living! And yes, it  can be painful and really hard at times, just remember that there is something good that comes from every day.

My boyfriend and I have discussed this and this is the basics. It's a really interesting concept. My boyfriend has broadened my horizons and given me so many new ideas!

Steph

XxX

Interview Time!

Today I embarked on an interview that had taken a long time to set up but was well worth it!

The founder of the company I met with was lovely! His wife was great too. Really friendly and welcoming! 

It's for a company called Disability today (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fAuWuFoeJs&t=31s) and it's a website that connects the unconnected. 

All the services that disabled people, including myself, are entitled to aren't that well advertised, so it's a case of finding out what is available and signposting people. 

Which is what I've done before, only we had to meet them to signpost them. 

It's letting people know what is out there and/or what experiences are out there waiting to be had!

It really looks to be so much fun. It might even inspire some new hobbies or interests for me so watch this space! 

Steph

XxX 

Nervousness

I was asked by my boyfriend to meet one of his many best friends last night.

I've already met one of them on Whatsapp and his parents on Messenger as they are living abroad right now.

I'm not a nervous person.

All I can be is myself!

Why would I want or need to be anything different?

I can't be anything other than me.

And it worked.

His best friend was lovely and we chatted about plays and theatres.

What is the point in being nervous about something you don't know?

How is it possible?

Surely it's an unknown entity.

And however it works out is what its going to be and  you can only change that with the amount of energy you put into whatever it might be today.

I do get that people get nervous and that they experience it and it can suck.

I just get it as a choice 'I could feel really nervous about this...' but I think I live in the moment rather than worry about what the future may hold.

I think I've hardwired my brain to think positively.

Steph

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