Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 27

Ellie woke up. This was the day she’d been waiting for. New Year’s Eve. She looked over at the end of her room where a mass of duvet lay over Jamie. He burrowed in the night. She lay for a while watching him only snapping her eyes away when the pile of duvet began to move as Jamie awoke. ‘Hey,’ she ventured, not really knowing what to say. Jamie rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and yawned. He then got up off of the mattress that had been laid out on the floor for him at the end of Ellie’s bed. He reached out for Ellie and they both felt tingles. Why would today be any different to other days when he’s helped her, when occasionally their arms might brush each others or something? Ellie was confused. Jamie continued to lift her body and placed her safely in her wheelchair. By now there were so many tingles flowing through Ellie’s body that were sending so many signals she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But she couldn’t lose face to Jamie. She smiled and thanked him. She hesitated but didn’t mention the feelings going on in her body. It was electricity. She was fairly sure. From that moment on she felt alive. She didn’t tell him how she was feeling, because to imagine he would be feeling the same was preposterous.

Later, with the candles out, no lights on Ellie looked at Jamie. In the dim light he looked so beautiful. She couldn’t get the words out to tell him though. It was teen to twelve when Linda put on the TV. To watch the fireworks and the new year come in. She kept looking between Ellie and Jamie wishing that this new year would be good for them and one of them may come out with it. It was hard to watch two people who were so right for each other taking baby steps. But it was the only way sometimes. She wanted to bang their heads together but resisted…only just. She had had long talks with Jamie since he had been there – knew he was single, knew about his family and knew the way he helped her daughter. And today, Ellie had been so active and fun that Linda knew something must have happened. Jamie had been dynamic too today. Maybe they were finally feeling it?

The countdown to new year had reached five by the point Linda looked back over at the two of them. Ellie was sitting looking nervously over at Jamie, who was in turn looking pretty anxious himself. ‘Happy new year everyone,’ Chrissie started before the claxon for new year had gone off. It went off a second later. Everyone pranced around the room kissing each other’s cheeks and wishing them health and happiness in the new year. Jamie pecked Ellie’s cheek and mumbled something about being happy that she missed. She was hoping that that would have been the time he’d confess if he was feeling anything, but obviously it was aall in her head. 

Steph

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How To Handle Expectation

Expectation is a good thing when it's positive, but only when it is positive. Positive things are usually the outcome of positive expectations. A positive mindset means you have to interrupt the thoughts that drag you down. An example of a negative thought/mindset is: Ahh! See that happened because I'm not good enough. That's the kind of thought you need to interrupt with something like: Ahh! That happened but who knows what will happen next time. It's not good to believe in damaging thoughts like the italiced section. Being positive is much healthier for you and will make you feel better.
The bold section is the type of thoughts that are better to believe and will make you stronger. The reasons you tell yourself for why things happen are so important. They make up the thoughts of what we believe of ourselves. So instead of: because I'm not good enough try: because I'm learning.

There are no age limits on learning. Instead of fading into thoughts of: I should have known better please know that making mistakes are a part of life. And when things happen and don't go to plan for whatever reason; you are more than entitled to use positive thoughts rather than negative. They will help you grow much more than beating yourself down will.

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 26

Jamie woke up at 6am sharp. He was sharing Ellie's room as all other rooms were occupied. Jamie's eyes drifted to Ellie's sleeping figure. She looked so beautiful lying there with her standard plaits in her hair. He longed to stroke her hair but resisted. It took a long time for him to come to this conclusion. He just watched her through dreary eyes. He wasn't awake yet. He could easily have fallen asleep again, especially with the perfect scene he found himself in. But he fought to stay awake so that he could take in the beauty of every moment he spent at her house.

Ellie woke up around 8am and immediately she saw Jamie's open eyes on her. It was strangely comforting. Jamie was the first to move. He walked to Ellie's wheelchair and asked if he could help her into it. 'Yeah, thank you,' Ellie was amazed. A man who actually wanted to help! He took her weight and lifted her into her chair. She turned her wheels before she thanked him again. 'It's cool,' Jamie told her like lifting her into her chair was the most natural thing in the world.

Last night he had found that Ellie had some exercises to help strengthen her core muscles written on her mirror in the bathroom. He made a coincious decidion to help her with them from that moment on. They didn't do much until Christmas lunch.

Jamie and Ellie pulled the cracker that sat between them. Linda smiled as she watched her daughter's eyes light up as she looked at Jamie. 'What's up mum?' Ellie asked.

'Oh, nothing I'm glad you're happy,' Linda smiled at her daughter and Jamie in turn. 'Thank you for joining us this year Jamie,' she told him in her next breath. Chrissie and Linda looked at each other knowingly. 'Let's eat,' Chrissie announced.

After they were absolutely stuffed with food, it was time for presents. Ellie opened all hers and after many gracious thanks and phonecalls she retired to her room. Jamie followed her with his small gift for her. He didn't want her to open it in front of everyone else. It was nice to do some things in private.

She was surprised when Jamie handed it to her. 'Oh really, you shouldn't have!' She opened the box shaped gift. It was a little storage box with sayings written on it. 'Handy for work!' she opened it to see how big it was and found a diary for the year coming. 'Oh my, Jamie, thank you so much, I will use this every day as you know I need one! Now I can stop leaving sticky notes everywhere!' She was enthralled. He could hear in her voice and see in her eyes how thankful she was. 'But I haven't got you anything, I feel so guilty!' she told him.

'Honestly, the fact that you welcomed me to your family and the fact that I've actually had a Christmas this year is en ough for me. Thank you so much. It's more than I could ask for!' he refused Ellie's apology. It really was just enough for him to be a part of her Christmas.

Steph

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How To Cope With Being Alone

Love. Excitement. It'll happen in its own time. I know, I know it's hard to believe when you are in the situation but it will happen. You feel like you're all alone? Well, that's not true. There are hundreds of people feeling this way, but in your eyes everyone's loved up and happy. I know when you're in that position, you feel like closing yourself off to the world. But you mustn't. You've got to believe that all the waiting that you are doing will be worthwhile. It took me a long time to work this out but like anything, if you don't believe in yourself, if you're not happy; no one will want to be around you.

It's fine saying all this, but how do you get through? There's no real answer, you just have to cope best you can. Focusing on what is going on in your life right now is a good way to handle it, sending out love from your end and knowing that you are strong enough to face this on your own. It's as the lyric in 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight?' by Elton John rightfully points out: that the twisting kalideoscope moves us all in turn. Obviously, you are strong enough to walk this plain alone for the time being. It won't be forever, although it feels like that now.

'Learn to play the Appreciation game. Look for things to appreciate in every situation. When you actively seek the positive, you become more appreciative and optimistic, which is a requirement for living the life of your dreams. Look for the good.' This quote from Jack Canfield is really strong. Because it is true. Actively seeking out the positive means you will find at least one positive in a situation. And when you do, please share your experience below. There is a positive in everything that happens in our lives, be it big or small.

Let me know of ways that you handle being alone, in a general sense I'd love to know...

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 25

Ellie turned around in her cute elvish apron. Jamie had taken up the offer of spending Christmas with her family as he didn’t usually do anything and her family told him he was being silly. Her family welcomed him like he was the son they never had. Ellie’s older sister, Christina was due to arrive tonight. Ellie was in the kitchen making extra mince pies and Jamie was putting the pastry over the top of them. He was enjoying himself. ‘There are pattern cutters – you can make them pretty!’ Ellie said pointing to the cutters that the Sparks family had collected over the years. Linda was relaxing in the living room, feeling content that her daughters were able to help out with Christmas this year. Well one at the moment. But she had a hardworking companion helping her. More than capable. And be it mother’s instincts, she thought they’d make a good couple. From the moment he stepped in the house Linda had been wondering where Jamie’s sentiments were. She had an inkling that he did like her daughter as more than a friend. Not that Linda would tell Ellie of her guesses; she’d figure it out for herself if it is meant to be, which Linda is fairly sure it is.

Two hours later when both Ellie and Jamie were covered in flour Mrs. Sparks made an appearance in the kitchen. ‘Looks like you had fun!’ she stated, laughing at the empty packet of flour that had obviously ensued their fight. ‘Sorry mum,’ Ellie apologised looking at her feet like a told-off teenager. ‘Don’t be silly, as long as you had fun!’ Mrs Sparks chuckled. She looked to Jamie to speak.

‘Thank you Mrs Sparks, I had a whale of a time!’ He enthused. That set Ellie off in a fit of giggles and Jamie smiled goofily, to keep her giggling. ‘It’s Linda!’ Mrs Sparks told him once the giggling had died down.

Suddenly, the door in the hallway began to open. ‘It’s Chrissie!’ Ellie screamed rushing out to hug her sister. Christina was newly single, having split with her boyfriend two weeks ago. Christina had auburn hair, brown eyes and a fair height. She wished she had been blessed with the blue, bright eyes that her younger sister had. Ellie had always wished for brown eyes to match her beautiful sister’s. Ellie wheeled back into the kitchen with Chrissie following her. ‘This is Jamie,’ she introduced her new friend and Jamie shook Chrissie by the hand. ‘Nice to meet you Jamie, I’ve heard a lot about you!’ Jamie looked surprised, turning his puzzled face to Ellie who just did an exaggerated shrug.

‘So, boyfriend material I’m sensing?’ Chrissie asked her sister when they were alone, unpacking Chrissie’s bags. ‘Hmm, I’m hoping so, I’m just not sure how he’s feeling,’ Ellie admitted. ‘Well the way he was looking at you throughout dinner, I’d say he feels the same!’ Chrissie confided.

‘Let’s not count our chickens before they’ve hatched,’ Chrissie rolled her eyes at her sister’s usual comment. ‘Don’t wait forever though El, I’m worried about you,’ Chrissie warned her sister. They finished unpacking Chrissie’s stuff in silence. When they were done Chrissie and Ellie came back through the house, luvkily Linda owned a bungalow, set on watching some crappy Christmas movies, whilst munching on the popcorn Chrissie had brought with her.  

Steph

XxX

How To: Stand Out; Individuality

One of my favourite people at this moment has told me: 'Why are you trying to fit in, when you were born to stand out?' And this is so true. You weren't born to hide away in the corner. I used to believe that the best place for me to be was in the corner. But I've come to learn that that isn't any way to live. I couldn't get hurt or hurt anyone else when I stayed in my comfort-corner. And while that was comforting, that’s not real-life. I realised to live you have to open yourself to getting hurt. You can hope no one ever will hurt you, and you may be lucky but if you're not open to the possibility of getting hurt you're not living. I was so naive when I was at university. And I did get hurt. Never that badly, but it was the first time I had the freedom to just be myself. And that’s where I grew into the person I am now. Away from the usual comforts of home, I had to find my feet and that was so scary but turned out to be so important in my life. It’s a big thing in most people’s lives – but for me it was really the making of my individuality.

Hope this has helped someone, remember though the corner may be comfortable, it's not where you belong.

Steph

XxX

Emotion.

Emotion Fanfiction
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9NthQfireo&list=UUkoz1yev_apPjE8XcVrjyjA You need to watch this first to know why I'm putting this up today! Taking a week's break from 'Things Are Not Clear Cut' but it will be back next week! I do write that story just for the blog, so nothing is pre-written so your help for that would be unbelievable.


This piece I wrote quite a long time ago, and sorry to any old myspace friends reading this, you've probably seen this before! Let me know what you think about the piece in the comments below. Thanks.


Steph and Danny had been friends for a long time. They were really close. One night they ended up watching a romantic film with Dougie and his girlfriend. At the end of the film Dougie and his girlfriend start making out and leave Danny and Steph sitting uncomfortably. They glance at each other - but niether can tell what's on each other's minds. Danny's palms begin to sweat - he can't bear this silence. 'So yeah, we're going to head off!' he exclaimed as he got up and walked towards the door. Steph got up too and departed through the same door. Danny was waiting in the hall for her. 'You'd better take this!' he said slipping off his jacket. It was thrashing with rain outside.

'Are you sure you'll be ok?' Steph asked. Danny laughed.

'Hey am I a man or a mouse?' he told her with cheeky grin.

'Ok, as long as you're sure,' Steph exclaimed draping his jacket over her shoulders. She lifted up the hood on his jacket and prepared to open the door. She looked so cute with that hood pulled up, wearing a jacket that's probably a few sizes too big for her. She giggled and he turned his attention to the rain.

'Right, here we go!' Danny laughed as he opened the door and dashed outside. He waited in the rain for Steph to catch up with him. When she caught up with him, he said goodbye, 'Bye darling, see you tomorrow,' and scurried to his house. She watched him enter his house and then burst into tears. He didn't know he wouldn't see her tomorrow. She wondered if he'd been into his bedroom yet and seen the note waiting on his beside cabinet.

Tonight had broken her heart. Especially watching the film and not being to curl her fingers over his. It's as if he'd known and just wanted to break it some more. He had been such a sweetheart tonight. Why did he want to break her heart? The note on his beside cabinet revealed the truth of her feelings towards him. That yes, she would die for him and that yes, he makes her world complete. But what makes her think he'd even care? Why did she bother writing those words from the heart because he would never care? Never in a million years. She doesn't know why she did it, she just had to get the words out somehow. So she wrote him a letter, hoping he would try to make her stop, all the while she knew he never would.

She was getting soaked standing in the rain, even though she was wearing Danny's jacket. She didn't even if it was her teardrops or the rainfall making her face wet anymore. She stood there motionlessly waiting for something. She soon realised it was never going to come and so went to Danny's door. She was very tempted to knock on the door and get one last hug but she knew what she must do. She slowly removed the jacket, folded it and put it on Danny's doorstep. She walked back to her house totally exposed to the rain but she didn't care. She unlocked her door and got her bags that she'd packed earlier. She took one last look at her house - in its bare state. She wept a little as she closed the door and made her way to the train station.

Every torch that was shone around her made her look up hopefully. But it wasn't him. She doubts he's even read it yet. Yes, he's losing a close friend but that wouldn't mean much to him. He had his bandmates anyway.

She's loved him all her life and isn't about to stop, but she thought if she put some distance between herself and he, she might just be able to move on. The train finally came and as she boarded she whispered, 'My heart will always be with you.' When the train started to move, she gave up any hope that he would come to rescue her and tell her she was being silly. She looked out of the window as the train departed and thought she saw him standing on the platform but it was only because he was on her mind surely?

Hope you liked it. Now on myspace, back in the day, I asked people to take up the task of following Danny home and finding the note which any of you readers are more than welcome to do. It's a good prompt I think. And obviously you can change the names, because writing this isn't very good at disguising who the characters are! It was a standalone on myspace so you can take it any way you like if you feel inspired by what I've written. If you do write a part, I'd be fascinated to read what you come up with. You can send a email here: www.facebook.com/therealstephcarfrae or put it up on your own blog (comment if you do including the link) and I will read it and comment.



Thank you so much for reading

Steph


XxX

How To: Cope When Life Gets You Down; Confidence

I came across this quote whilst I was reading this: http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/01/29/10-painfully-obvious-truths-everyone-forgets-too-soon/ and I just think it's really important to remember.

'Today, let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as incomplete as you think you are. Yes, let someone love you despite all of this, and let that someone be YOU.' - Marc Chernoff

We all go through stages of not loving ourselves because we feel it's wrong.


Someone else should be doing that!
That is the feeling I know oh too well.

But if, like me for so many years, I'd get home from school/sixth form/university to find that there was no one there.

Now, instead of feeling down about myself I wrote down things to cheer myself up. The quotation books which I have mentioned before, are still being filled. I don't ever want to feel like I'm not worth it, and that is why I started writing them. They are handwritten, ink and paper because I think that's the best way to remind myself. Yes, seeing something on a screen does have its benefits, but having it written down in ink makes it more final, I think anyway.

I have a box. A big old box of papers with notes or emails on them. They are from my best friends. When I was sixteen - I sent out an email on myspace (back in the day!) to all my best friends asking them what they thought of who I am today/who I was when we first met and who I will become. I guess I'm brave to have done that. I sit and read through them on the days I don't feel good or up to the job. My best friends (at the time) were incredible and are still. Most of them I am stilll in contact with and will go on to be friends with. I was and am very lucky to have the friends and family I do have and though it is frustrating sometimes, I wouldn't change them for the world.

And if I get really down, I've always got my 21 book which even a flick through will cause me to smile tremendously.

I also had a very special questionnaire which I asked my good friends at the time to fill out for me. Looking at the answers on those always fill me with joy. If I'm ever having a bad day I have at least 4 things to look at/ways of feeling better. And I am always surprised to read how much faith my friends have for me.

And it reminds me I have to believe it to make it true of myself. It always boosts my confidence and belief in myself.

So, it's a good way of remembering my self worth. I hope this helps,

Steph

XxX

Things Are Not Clear Cut Part 24

Ellie awoke to Kel's alarm chime. She was still smiling. What had gotten intro her. Jamie she mythered. She was excited to see him on this beautiful, brisk morning in London. She got into her wheelchair, thinking of Jamie and how she couldn't wait to see him. She had gone to bed still in full make up because she feared him seeing her without it. She knew she'd pay for it today though. Loads of moisturiser would be required to get her skin in tip top shape again. The man I want is on the other side of the door, she thought and smiled widely. She opened her bedroom door and reversed out. She didn't know what to expect when she turned around, probably a lazy "good morning" or as she hoped, a lazy "good morning beautiful". She hoped that Kel's alarm had been loud enough to wake him too, otherwise he'd still be sleeping and still be a lump on the couch. She felt ready to find out what his response would be and so span on her wheels.

There was no one there. Kel was in the shower, as always at this time of the morning. She noticed a piece of white paper on the black leather couch. She hurried to look at it.


Hey Ellie, thanks for letting me stay, I'll call you tonight. J.
That was all it said. She wondered if she'd done something wrong. Maybe confessed her love for him in her sleep? She isn't prone to sleep talking but who knows. Anything could have happened. He could have been called away for all she knows. At least she'll know tonight. It's not like he left her hanging. He'd call her tonight. Would he tell her when and why he left? She can but hope.
*Hope you liked that part! Leave me suggestions for what can happen in the next part from either Ellie or Jamie's point of view! It is your hands. Thank you for reading.

Steph

XxX